tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64817199285854342112024-03-12T20:00:37.896-07:00My wild ride through the door of faithKristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-61261268568720944942016-01-08T18:57:00.000-08:002016-01-08T18:57:15.015-08:00Jesus Friend of SinnersOn New Years Eve my family went to the new years eve skate at the coliseum our church sponsors. I was enjoying skating not really thinking about anything in particular and then I noticed there was a song playing. I recognised it as: "Jesus friend of sinner's" by Casting Crowns. You need to go to utube and listen to it because it is awesome! I have heard it lots of times and have always liked it. I enjoy how the song talks about not judging people, but loving them instead. This is a value I have been passionate about since I was young. But on New Years eve the song hit me in a completely different way. It overwhelmed me and healed me as I was gliding along amidst all those people.<br />
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I have struggled since I was a teenager with feeling like I am a failure especially when it comes to my Christian walk. I think it stemmed from being a perfectionist and feeling like I had to be perfect for God to be pleased with me. I felt like He was angry every time I made a mistake and when you are a perfectionist you make a lot of mistakes! This tainted my life and made everything a struggle. I thought that life was just hard and that was the way it had to be. I thought that when God said we would have trials that the fear and sense of failure I was experiencing were the trails God was talking about. So I just figured I needed to try harder to be perfect and endure all the emotional stress, failing brought on. But I see now that I endured the very things that Jesus died to free me of.<br />
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What sort of things were effected by my perfectionism? Everything I did was effected! For instance, once when I was helping out with our youth group, I created a permission slip for snow camp but forgot to change the date from last years slip. Handing out a permission slip with the wrong date ruined my entire day. Looking back I can see how silly this was because in the grand scheme of things it really did not matter to anyone else that the date was wrong. The youth knew that the permission form was obviously for this year not last year. My whole day made up of numerous events like the permission slip; of me judging myself, and finding myself lacking. It was like I was continually playing this game to trying to be perfect and keeping score in my head. If I lost any points during the day I would feel like a failure which led to depression and feeling like I did not deserve anything good. But looking back I wonder if maybe I was trying to fix the hole in my soul, by being perfect. I was sexually abused as a kid and it really messed me up inside. I did not deal with what happened, or go to God to heal me, I just buried it all and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. I think I was trying to fix my broken heart by being perfect and I felt that if I could just not make any mistakes the hurt deep in me would go away. The devil had me right where he wanted me. This attempt by myself to fix the problem added a huge amount of pain and stress to my life. There was no way I could be perfect so this just made my failures more painful, and spiralled me further into hopelessness. I was haunted by condemnation and felt unworthy and insecure, but all the while, I was careful to not let others see my weakness. I taught others about forgiveness and grace but felt it did not apply to me.<br />
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So when I was gliding along and I heard the song about Jesus being a friend of Sinners I had an epiphany. I realised that all the things I felt God was mad at me for - where sins! That made me a sinner and the song said that Jesus was a friend to sinners! This song about God's grace did not just apply to others but to ME. God was not mad at me or even expecting me to be perfect he was wanting me to grasp His forgiveness and fully embrace His love for me. He died to free me from sin, and did not expect me to try harder but to trust Him. I couldn't do this on my own and I was not meant to even try. Which is why my life was such an endless, epic fail. I was hoping that being good would impress God and somehow fix my broken
soul. But trying to be good without God actually fueled pride and
separated me from God. God is so not impressed when we try to be good
on our own. The fact that I failed so often, when I tried in my own strength, was no surprise to God. God was so aware of our weaknesses that He sent Jesus to die on the Cross to be our SAVIOR. I totally missed the crux of Christianity : the fact that I needed a Savior to save me from my sin. Not just to forgive my sins so I could have a relationship with God and get into heaven, but to free me from the power of sin in my everyday life.<br />
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All that pressure I had been putting on myself slipped away as I grasped that God's grace and mercy applied to me too. I did not have to be perfect to please God, and my righteousness came from Jesus. Relief overwhelmed me as I realised God loved me just as I was - a sinner - someone who makes lots of mistakes. I did not need to marinate in condemnation when I blow it, but accept God's forgiveness, rejoice and move on. All the shame I had been holding for years, washed away. I could
finally admit that I was not strong and that I had huge issues and that I
was not the wonderful Christian I was trying so hard to be. By believing all of Satan's lies I had tortured myself for years - wasted years. But the the comfort that was flowing into my life as I skated around was so freeing. Being free from
pride and shame felt amazing. I had been trying so hard to have it
all together - it felt great to have permission to be a mess. It was going to be ok because my success did not rest in me but on God. I didn't need to try to be good on my own strength. That was not my job! I could trust God to transform me and if I stay close and listen and obey, He will lead me and change me. While I was writing this blog another Casting Crowns song came on that describes how I don't have to figure it all out by myself. It is called, "Just be Held." It is not by trying harder, that I become someone God is pleased with, but by trusting more completely in God, and surrendering all to Him. <br />
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<br />Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-41435001039826860502015-12-17T19:17:00.000-08:002015-12-17T19:17:36.457-08:00Gift Issues <br />
This is the season for gift giving, but I have issues with gifts, especially the ones God gives me. When God gives us gifts they can become tightly held possessions that we love more than God, which is not good. This is something I have been painfully aware of, for most of my life. In fact I am so afraid that I will become too attached to God's gifts, that I go the opposite way and don't allow myself to enjoy God's gifts at all. I thought that this attitude was a super spiritual one, but lately I have been realising that fear is never from God. Also it occurred to me that this may be part of the reason I struggle with depression. But more importantly I realised lately that God wants me to enjoy the blessings He gives me. James 1:17 says "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." I would be pretty offended if I gave my daughter something super awesome for her birthday and she did not want to receive it because she might enjoy it too much. There is a difference between idolising the gifts God gives which is wrong, and refusing to receive them at all. So how do I find balance, so that fear does not prevent me from enjoying all of God blessings. <br />
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One solution involves focusing on the giver not the gifts. I can do this by remembering to praise God for the gifts He gives instead of getting distracted by the gift alone. It is when I let pride and greed in, and I forget about God that I am in danger of sinning. But if I keep God first in my life I can enjoy the gifts and not worry about making them too important. For instance, if I get a new sweater as a Christmas gift, it is good to praise God for it and enjoy getting to wear it. Being thankful to God for the gifts is a much better solution than not allowing myself to enjoy the gifts at all. Because the very act of trying to prevent myself
from enjoying things causes a lot of despair and frustration. God wants me to be experiencing His joy and peace not despair!<br />
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Another way to make sure I don't love the gifts more than God is to make sure I share the gifts. If I am looking for ways to bless others with my gifts than I don't hold the gifts to tightly. One of God's blessing that I have trouble truly enjoying is my horses. I feel guilty that I have them when others who want horses don't have them. But I can share my horses with those people and God can use my horses to bless them. This prevents me from loving my horses more than God because I am willing to share them with whoever He asks me to. Sharing keeps the focus off the gift itself and puts it on God who we are serving with our gifts. <br />
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Sometimes I feel just a vague feeling of guilt or anxiety when I go to enjoy some of my gifts. Is this because I am actually sinning or just Satan trying to rain on my parade, and tempting me with false guilt. I have learnt that I can examine my heart and my actions to determine if I am sinning and not assume if I feel guilty that I have done something wrong. For instance if I buy an MP3 player I really want, even when I don't have the money, I am sinning. That is not a gift that God has given me, but I gift I have sinned to acquire and so I should repent and return it. However if I have saved up, made sure my hubby is good with my purchase and I get an MP3 player then I do not need to feel anxious and guilty. Then it is good for me to thank God for my new purchase and enjoy listening to some good music! God does not want me to let false guilt steal my joy. <br />
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On a deeper level I think I might be afraid to enjoy God's blessings because in the past some things I have been given have then been taken away and that hurt. I don't know how to deal with the pain of loss so I just prevent myself from getting attached at all. For instance, in the past I have lost some close friends who have rejected me. So I have shut down parts of my heart. I have erected walls and limits on how happy I allow myself to feel, as my solution to the pain of loss. Satan has lied to me and told me that to avoid pain I need to not feel pleasure. But I am starting to see that this is a lie from the pit of hell. God has other solutions for dealing with the pain of loss; much better solutions! Without going into to much detail, (that will be another blog) what are God's solutions for the pain of loss? They involve grieving, trusting, and expecting God to comfort and restore. So I don't need to prevent myself from enjoying the gifts. I can enjoy what God gives me and trust God to heal me and restore me if loss happens. Jesus said in John 10: 10 "the thief (Satan) comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). Trusting God gives me the freedom to enjoy what He gives instead of letting Satan steal my joy. <br />
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<br />Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-11353962028272397622015-12-10T08:47:00.000-08:002015-12-10T16:27:32.246-08:00a new dimensionLast Sunday we had a bit of an incident before church. In the past something of this magnitude would have ruined my whole day. So what was different about this time?: I handled it God's way and that changed everything. Sometimes it can feel that the Bible is an old irrelevant book that has no real barring on today. But this "old" book is where I learned the revolutionary new way to respond to unexpected difficulties. It says in Philippians 4:6&7:"<span class="text Phil-4-6" id="en-NIV-29449"><sup class="versenum">6 </sup>Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.</span> <span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"><sup class="versenum">7 </sup>And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." In the past I struggled with anxiety on a good day so if anything went amiss my anxiety would go into hyper drive. This seemed to just make the situation I was struggling with worse. I would get stuck in this negative funk that coloured the situation and made me feel hopeless. I played out the worst case scenario in my mind. Then the complaining and questioning God would begin. Since I was planning for and expecting the situation to go badly it did. </span><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450">When you approach challenges with this mind set </span>it causes emotional torture but I think it also effects the outcome of the issue in a very negative way. My experiences in the past have prov en this true. </span><br />
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<span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450">But Sunday I approached my issue with a different attitude; the one God asks us to have in Philippians 4:6&7. Sunday morning I had gotten dressed in my church clothes and was just sitting down to relax for a bit and there was a knock on our door. Ashley who boards horses with us and does the chores on Sunday morning apologetically informed me that the horse water bowl was angry and violently overflowing. Her horse Pal thought we had done it on purpose and was happily drinking from his personal horse size water fountain. Regardless of Pal making the best of the situation, this was a bad situation that needed immediate fixing. This is not he first time this automatic heated water trough has malfunctioned. It has won many a battle in the past and even the times I have conquered it I have taken 4 plus hours to wrangle it back into control. Usually I give up and have to call in the big guns: my husband or father. Just the mention of water trough issues is enough to send me into a spiral of anxiety that ends in panic, complaining, and failure. </span><br />
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<span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450">But this time God gave me the strength to not go there, and deal with it His way instead. So I started to pray instead of beginning with complaining and frustration. Now in the past I thought I was praying but saying "God please help I seriously can't believe this happened to me!" and then slipping into self pity and doubting that God would do anything is not really prayer. At least it is not very effective or pleasing to God.</span><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"> But this time I was not praying with a negative attitude. I was able to give control of the situation to God and trust Him to fix it. Trust is so much more fun than anxiety. Instead of being mad that my water bowl was acting up I thanked God out loud that I was blessed enough to have a heated water bowl for my horses. I think in the past when I was complaining I was giving the devil permission to wreck havoc in my life. By complaining and thinking the worst I was agreeing with Satan instead of agreeing with God. So this time when I agreed with God the "peace that transcends all understanding" that is talked about in Philippians materialised in my heart </span><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"> right there </span>in the middle of my problem. I did not panic this time, I calmly but quickly proceeded to fix the water bowl. </span><br />
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<span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450">I knew the first thing I had to do was get the water turned off to the bowl. But that was not as easy as it first appeared. I rushed to the basement where the shut off valve is only to remember that wood was blocking it. This meant I would have to go around the wood furnace and the water heater to the dark spidery area behind to get to the valve. So I rushed up stairs where I searched 3 places before finding the flashlight I needed to crawl behind everything. Then when I crouching past the water heater I flipped some switch and hot water poured all over me. Each of these complications in the past would have plunged me further into anxiety and panic. But this time I was depending on God not on me and He came through. The peace that was guarding my heart continued to pour into my spirit and so I just screamed and closed the switch and continued on to the water shut off. I could not remember which way to turn the tap but remembered righty tighty lefty loosey and got it done. I carefully returned past the furnace and water heater and ran up stairs. I throw on a coat over my wet church clothes and went outside past the barn to waiting the water trough.</span><br />
<span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"> </span><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"> </span><br />
<span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450">The couple days before I had been transferring all my notes from last years day timer to my new one. One of the notes was from the last time I had to fix the water trough. God had prompted me at that time to write down what I had learned the hard way through trial and error about how to fix the water trough. I was so glad I had listened and wrote stuff down because now I needed to use it to avoid the pitfalls that had resulted in hours of extra work the last time. </span><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450"><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450">In the past I would have got bogged down second guessing myself and wasted a lot of time deliberating about what to try first. But </span>I thanked God for planting the needed wisdom from the last time I tried to fix the trough freshly in my mind. When I got to the bowl and saw that the float was no longer attached, I did not get stuck I just confidently reattached the float. I also asked Ashley to help which made it so much easier. In the past I would have wanted to try to do it myself and that never ended well. I was not totally sure that I had the float on right but instead of freaking out about it I just left everything else off and first ran down and turned the water back on. When I returned to the trough and could see that it was all operating well then Ashely put the cover back on. The last time I tried to fix the trough it had taken me about 4 hours but this time with trusting God instead of being anxious it took 15 minutes. Not only did it get fixed but while fixing it I did not loose my peace. I could victoriously go back inside and change into some dry clothes and be on time for and enjoy church. David said in Psalms "with my God I can scale a wall". I say "with my God I can calm an angry water trough!" </span>Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-4008690473918809812015-11-29T18:24:00.003-08:002015-11-29T18:24:31.737-08:00WAITING.......<br />
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Is waiting agony for you? For most of my life until recently, it has been torture for me. The sermon this week shed some light on why being left hanging has been so hard in the past. The way I was handling waiting was all wrong and I was sabotaging God's solutions. In the last few weeks God has been specifically teaching me about this area of waiting. Today the topic of the sermon was waiting and what Jason had to say lined up perfectly with what God had already been teaching me. I love it when God's spirit arranges for confirmation! So what was it in this weeks sermon that was so helpful? <br />
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First of all while waiting we need to embrace our vulnerability. In the past I have been ashamed to even admit my areas of vulnerability and certainly not embraced them. But recently I have experienced the difference being humble and honest can make. Last week we had a truck incident. The dash display died, the engine light came on and it would not shift into reverse or park. So we took it in to get a quote of what was wrong and what it would cost to fix it. I don't know how you respond when your vehicle breaks down. This is not a situation where I normally shine. I just find it frustrating to have an extra unexpected bill thrust upon me and I don't handle it well. This particular bill was for 1500 just for parts with labour on top of that. Yikes! I think part of why I freaked out about car repairs in the past is that I never really planned for it. I would whine to God about why He would allow our car to need repairs when He know I would have to get the money out of the line of credit. I was living dangerously and just hoping that it never happened. How unreasonable is that! I think my coping technique of denial was a rather poor choice. I was denying that it was my weakness of not planning ahead that had me in such a pickle. God convicted me about half a year ago of this very fact, and since then we have been paying into a vehicle fix fund each month. So when my display went cu put I was not as stressed as I usually am, because I had saved some money to have it fixed. I had faced my weakness and allowed God to correct it.<br />
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However, I am sad to say that at the mention of 1500 I still freaked out. That is huge amount of money - way more than was in the vehicle fix fund. It was then I applied point two from the sermon: Search for God. In the past my habit when something bad happened was to I whine to God, but that was the extent of my contact with Him. I probably don't have to tell you that whining is really ineffective when it comes to finding solutions to problems. But this time I stopped the fit of questioning fear and evil foreboding. I gave this problem to God and then waited for Him to come through. If we are anxious, and imagining all kind of horrendous things that might happen while we are waiting it is agony. I had to admit that my own weakness of responding in this manner was not making waiting a good time for me. The problem has never been that God was taking too long to answer - the problem was me. I seem to be saying that a lot lately! So I admitted to God that I was having a problem with worry, fear and hopelessness when it comes to owing huge amounts of money to fix my truck. Admitting my vulnerablity again.<br />
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Why did I respond automatically with fear and anxiety when faced with a problem. Obviously I was having trouble trusting God or I would have been experiencing His peace. If I can't trust God why would that be? It says in James that when we ask God for wisdom we should not doubt or we will not receive from God. Could my doubt not only be causing misery while waiting but preventing me from receiving God's answer? Times in the past when it seems like God has not come through were all times when I was doubting that He could or would help me. God was not silent just for the heck of it but because my doubt was preventing Him from answering. Again the problem was me! So this time I examined why do I feel like God will not answer me in particular. Why do I fear the answer and feel like God has awful things in store for me in the future. I am not expecting God to do good things just to do things that will "develop my character" and that I will barely make it through. Wow writing that down really shows how silly a thought that is. What was point two of the sermon again: Search for God. I realised that I had not been finding or trusting the true God. The God I was serving was not like the God described in the Bible. Where did I get such a negative view of God. Satan had whispered a boat load of lies into my head and I had bought them hock line and sinker. If you think God is out to get you than waiting certainly is not a happy place to be. So again the problem is me and my wrong view of God. But the solution is easy - search for the real God and get reacquainted. Getting to know the real God blew my fear and anxiety out of the water and then I was able to ask for wisdom with faith and God answered!<br />
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I gave God my truck and control of the whole situation. I renounced fear that I might be disappointed and decided to try faith for a change. I did not even spend hordes of energy trying to figure it all out first so I could let God know how to fix it. In the past this bossiness on my part would often lead to disappointment when God did not fix it the way I wanted Him too. I put the creator of the universe in a box I created with my limited brain - not my most shining moment! So from now on I don't want to limit Him at all, which is why I give Him total control of the truck situation. My job is joyfully trust God to sort my life out and just do what He tells me. I don't need to feel shame that I can't fix it because my need just sends me to God who is the strong one anyway. That way God gets the glory too, which is how it should be. I searched for God and when I found the right, true one I trusted that He was working on the situation and that He had good planned. Being free from anxiety and fear made waiting so much more fun! In fact waiting was not even an issue, because the outcome was not something to fear but something to look forward too.<br />
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So what was God's answer? How did God help us with our truck. It is a good thing I did not try to figure it out because vehicles are really out of my realm. God gave the answer to my husband, who was able to order a used part on line from the states and put it in himself. We were able to cover it with the money we had saved so far in the vehicle repair fund. God is good. Trusting instead of worrying while waiting really is better for our stress levels! Then as a bonus God meets our needs. No wonder Satan has been lying to me for so long. He is the thief who comes to steal and destroy. Jesus came that I might have life and have it to the full!!<br />
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But don't get stuck in your vulnerability Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-19056693318136459882015-04-15T18:03:00.000-07:002015-04-15T18:03:02.967-07:00Incest & Murder: the unraveling of a family (yikes!) - 2 Samuel 13-14 The sermon on Sunday was about David's messed up family. It reads like a soup opera or a talk show - so much drama and so much sin. I have found that sin always leads to drama one way or another! It may strike a cord with the world, but is it relevant to us church going folks? Incest or any form of sexual abuse is something we would hope God would protect us from, especially in our Christian circles. But my heart can't help hurting for Tamar who experience such horrible things because of her brothers sin. Despite my church going status, God has brought many people into my life who have experienced the damage of being wronged in this way. It appears that being a Christian does not grant you immunity from being harmed by others who choose to do the unthinkable. I have to be honest: this has torn my heart apart and caused me to doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. What is God doing about this heinous problem - where is He?<br />
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Well this year my doubt met it's match when I took the wounded heart. The wounded heart is offered by our church for victims of childhood sexual abuse. I had felt that God was prompting me to take it for a number of years now. However, my abuse was pretty minor compared to what Tamar and many of my friends had endured and was not inflicted by a family member, so I did not think the abuse was effecting me. But God still kept whispering when ever it would be advertised. Finally this year I signed up for the wounded heart and even went, and it has been the most life changing thing ever! My doubt and pain has been met head on by the Creator of the Universe and the lover of my messed up soul.<br />
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Before I took the Wounded Heart, I was single handedly trying to wrangle all the crazy emotions that are a natural result of being wronged in such a deep way. I felt overwhelmed and condemned for having such strong and dark feelings and because I was ashamed I buried them. Now if you asked me about how I was coping, I would proudly tell you how I was learning to live above my feelings, I would probably even offer to teach you how to do it too. But really it was just a super spiritual way of saying I was in denial. Denial is not healthy and oh how I know that now! The fall out of 30 odd years of denial was a far worse than the damage done by the initial abuse. If only back then when I was first abused, I had brought my pain and brokenness to God and trusted Him with it instead of trying to pretend it did not bother me and I was fine! But I listened to Satan when he whispered in my ear that I was weak for feeling such emotions and God wanted me to buck up and just get over it. I felt like I was now an object of condemnation and I did not deserve to be blessed or happy anymore. I was mad at myself for feeling and so I tried to teach myself how to ignore my feelings. Emotions were seen as invalid or maybe even sinful. <br />
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God was longing to wrap me in his arms and comfort me as only He can but I couldn't go to Him because I thought I needed to fix this myself. So as the years went by my doubt and frustration with God grew - although I did not admit this to anyone. I was desperately trying to fix this hurt deep in my soul and the method I picked was trying to be a good Christian girl. I decided that if I could just be perfect maybe whatever was wrong with me would go away. If I could just please everyone in my life maybe then the depression and despair I lived with on a daily basis would finally disappear. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to see this was not a great solution. But I was so messed up inside at this point that I was not seeing things clearly. God wanted to comfort me and bring healing but the lies I was believing preventing me from giving Him control and from trusting Him. I was shooting myself in the foot over and over but blaming God for my pain. <br />
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But then I finally listened to His gentle voice and took the Wounded Heart. Through it I realised that it is not that God was not strong enough to heal me it was I was preventing Him from doing so. Through this group I was able to uncover some of the lies that had got me to such a horrible place. I was able to see that God loves me and is not disappointed in me. He was feeling compassion and fierce love for me when I was abused not expecting me to forgive instantly and stop being so emotional about it all. He wanted to hold me in his arms and soothe me and fill the hole that had been ripped in my soul. I have value and I am a cherished child of the King. He wants to bless me and I don't have to endlessly make up for my deficiencies. He accepts me now despite all the sin I ended up getting into by not trusting Him. I do not have to be perfect before I can rest in Him and rejoice. My healing process has started and I have hope that was completely missing from my life before. I am half way through the wounded heart program and am looking forward to all the awesome things God is still going to do. I can trust God to continue my healing as my brain gets a complete overhaul. My mind needs to be renewed in a big way but I have a big God. I have a faithful, good God who loves me and that changes everything :)<br />
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I don't know how to express my Thanks to all the leaders of Wounded Heart so I will just ask God to personally bless them in one of the many creative ways at His disposal.Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-9202284263206911832015-03-10T13:34:00.001-07:002016-01-18T17:10:46.870-08:00It's all a matter of faith - food My eating healthy journey is going well. I am not perfect and still occasionally eating things I should not. Every time I make a good choice it is easier to make the good choice next time, so I am feeling energised. My weight is still not going down the way I want it to, but I keep reminding myself that the goal is obeying God not losing weight. This frees me to rejoice in the progress regardless of how much I weigh. I found a scripture when I was doing the Bible study Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst that has really helped me get to the core of my eating problem. It is Psalm 78: 21-22: " Therefore, when the Lord heard, He was full of wrath; a fire was kindled against Jacob, His anger mounted up against Israel, Because in God they believed not [they relied not on Him, they adhered not to Him] and they trusted not in His salvation (His power to save). This verse is referring to when the Israelites were in the desert and they wanted food. Even though God had miraculously provided water in the desert they did not believe He could give them food too. I think I have the same attitude as the Israelites. I don't trust God with my food and that is the core of my problem. I want what I want, and I don't want to give the eating choices I make to God. I don't trust him that He has the power to save me from the cravings that cause me to eat things that make me sick and fat. I want to keep eating the things that are bad for me, that God has called me to give up. I am afraid of losing the tiny bit of happiness I get from eating those bad things. But God is the source of my joy and I can trust Him to replace the happiness of sin with a more lasting joy that is not tainted. God does have the power to save me from my cravings. I have seen that when I trust Him and rely on God, He can enable me to eat the healthy things instead of the junk. It still hurts a bit to say no to 5 cupcakes but it is exhilarating to push through that pain and find the strength to make the healthy choice. God is faithful and able and He is giving me the strength to win more battles in this food war than I lose. Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-91003989347667917042015-02-17T09:28:00.001-08:002016-01-18T17:11:21.913-08:00Is my scale an idol? - foodSo I am on a journey now of learning to get my happiness and peace from God, instead of the contra ban food that I crave. It is going well. Difficult at times, but I am learning to lean on God's truth instead of my addiction to food. So you would think that since I have been following God's guidelines and not binging on fat and sugar, that I would be losing some weight. However, the scale has been very disappointing lately. I am not losing weight at all! As a result I am struggling with depression and self-pity. Why am I going to all this trouble to eat healthy, if I am not seeing any success in the weight loss department? To be honest I am a bit ticked off at God. The disappointment I feel makes me want to eat some cookies to comfort myself.<br />
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Why does the scale have such power over my emotions? I am realising that I feel it is wrong to rejoice and relax, unless I have reached some specific marker of success. I do not deserve to be happy when I am an obvious failure at meeting my weight goal! Because I have not had success at losing weight, the feelings of anxiety and failure overwhelm me. Until I have arrived at my goal, there seems to be no way to banish the anxiety and depression. I must wait until my weight has gone down to be content and feel like I am succeeding. This having to succeed before I feel joy or happiness, does not apply to just weight, but pretty much every goal I set in my life. No wonder I am on anti-depressants and upset inside most of the time. Add to that, that my goals I am shooting for are often perfection! I have set impossible goals! I have sentenced <i>myself</i> to never being able to be happy or satisfied or feel like I am worthy. This is crazy! My own mind is the enemy of my soul. This is why I need all my ducks in a row so desperately. I have tied peace and joy to reaching all my goals and having everything just ducky and perfect. So that has become my all consuming desire: to get everything in my life perfect and then I can relax and rejoice in things. I can't ever accomplish that and even if I could I would find that once I arrived at perfection it was empty and unsatisfying. I can not fill my soul by being perfect. I can only fill it with God and a relationship with Him. <br />
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So what do I do now that I realise that I have set losing weight as determined by my scale, as the marker for success? I am pretty sure that this is not the marker of success that God wanted me to set as my goal. I guess I am trying to get happiness out of a scale instead of from God. That is as empty as trying to get joy and peace from sugar and fat. I just replaced my idol of sugar and fat to an idol of a scale. I find journaling a great way to hear what God wants to say to me. About a month ago I wrote down some stuff God said to me and maybe I should pull that out and see what He said. OK here it is, "Let me be God and put the cares and responsibilities on my shoulders. Rejoice in all the answers and blessings and praise me even when your mood is in a funk. <b>Obey minute by minute and let that bring you joy and peace.</b> Get back into developing good habits (such as eating right and brushing my teeth) Your goal is obedience to the spirit, and to obey you must stay close to me. Trust your emotions to my care and don't fear or worry but trust and rejoice. Grab a hold of my peace and don't let go. <b>Evaluate your success by your lack of fear and your obedience to me, not by worldly markers.</b> Go for the gold, go for the best, Go for God!" <br />
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Wow what he had me write down a month ago is overwhelmingly relevant for me right now! God is so good and wise and supernatural. Here are the clear answers that I have been longing for. My goal needs to be obedience to God, which is this case is following the guidelines of healthy eating that He has been showing me. My goal should not be losing weight as defined by the worldly marker of my scale. I need to leave that to God to look after in His time. I need to rejoice in each answer God gives and each little victory He enables me to succeed at. The path to joy and peace is not in perfection or success as I define it, but in trusting and obeying God and looking for stuff to rejoice in all along this journey. Peace is something I can decide to grab a hold of by getting it God's way not my way. My way is so not working! I can be a peace even if the scale does not show any progress. My peace comes from obeying God and following His spirit. I can be peaceful and joyful because I am obeying him and eating healthy. I don't need to punish myself until I get to what the world says is success. I can let go of the anxiety and be satisfied and happy right now. I have been believing a lie and now I can replace it with the truth. Satan has been stealing my joy and peace, and I do not need to let him do that any longer. I am not doing this perfectly but that is OK because I will not be perfect till heaven, and I am just aiming for improvement and obedience. Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-48836310691610313102015-02-08T11:46:00.000-08:002016-01-11T17:04:58.818-08:00Donuts - dos and don'ts - foodOK so I've got my guidelines of healthy, common sense, eating set and I am trying to live by them. On one hand it is very freeing. The struggle to determine what I should and should not eat was taking up a lot of emotional energy. Also I can avoid the guilt and other fall out feelings, that happened when I would rationalise my way into eating things I was unsure of. Now when faced with a food decision I can determine if it fits into my healthy eating parameters easily. I can avoid doing damaging things like eating too much gluten or sugar, or eating when I am already full. I also have been making sure I eat small meals often and making sure I have regular protein so that I do not mess up my blood sugar and hypoglycemia. This has had the happy result of me feeling much better physically. It is very nice to not feel sick or dizzy, or that yukky feeling when you overeat and feel uncomfortable. These have been very good things that I am praising God for. However, there are still some foods that though they are not within my healthy eating limits: I crave hard core. It has been hard emotionally to say no to these things. If I am not going to get to eat them I feel a desperation and fear. I also have realised that I feel I deserve and need the treats. Somehow in my brain I have tied treats to celebrations, rewards, or the way to cheer up if I am having a bad day. If I attempt to do any of these things without treats it just feels very wrong. My mind really believes that the excessive treats will make me happy and inversely that if I do not get the treats I will become depressed. This is a very scary thought for someone who already struggles with depression and anxiety.<br />
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For instance, I attended my daughters public speaking contest, which was hard for me because it gives me concussion symptoms of a headache and anxiety. When it was done, and while they were calculating who won, they provided mounds of donuts, sweet soft donuts! Donuts were not within my healthy eating parameters for that day as I had my one gluten choice for the week. Because I had determined clear guidelines I knew that if I was to obey God and stay on the healthy eating wagon I need to<b> not</b> have a donut. But everyone around me was eating them and that was not fair. I deserved one as much as any of them. The apple I had wisely brought to eat as a healthy option was tasting like dust in my mouth. I felt like I needed to celebrate with my daughter because she did a good job on her speech. I also felt I deserved a reward for making it through and enduring a headache. It was crazy how powerful and painful my emotional need for that donut was. My apple was not working as well as I thought it would in this fight against sugar and fat but I had another weapon in my arsenal. This week in the Bible study- Made to Crave, I had learned about how my thoughts can be based on lies. The idea that I needed that donut or that I could not celebrate without a treat - that idea is a lie. Also the idea that I could not reward myself without sugar or that if I denied myself sugar I would fall into a depression also were lies. That donut was not my only option to find joy or peace. Part of my brain still has trouble and believes these things are true, but the truth is That God is my source of joy and peace and He can enable me to celebrate and reward myself without food. He a big Awesome God, and He is not limited to food as His only go-to option to make me happy. This is still very hard for me to absorb though. I struggle with depression and have been using food as my go-to option for years. This is a habit, like a drug habit, or a smoking habit and I feel such crazy pull to the donut. I feel life will not be worth living if I do not get that donut. <br />
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But in Bible study I learned not only to distinguish the lies, but to fight them with the truth found in scripture. I had already found a scripture in Proverbs to fight the particular lies that I was being faced with right now. My scripture was Proverbs 16:20 and it says "He who deals wisely and heeds God's word and counsel shall find good, and whoever leans on, trusts in and is confident in the Lord - happy blessed and fortunate is He." The path to true good and happiness is not found in disobeying God but in following the guidelines He had already given me about what food was wise for me to eat. Also I realised that maybe all along, the donuts in my life had not filled me with the lasting joy and happiness I was looking for. The donut would give me a few seconds of bliss while it was in my mouth but then it would make me sick for a few hours because I am allergic to gluten and sugar. This is why God has given me the guideline to avoid gluten and sugar. Also one donut would not really be enough. I would be frustrated and wanting more instead of satisfied and experiencing peace. The idea that huge amounts of sugar and fat is my go-to for instant happiness is the lie. The truth is that God is my go-to for all happiness and peace and that trying to make other things that, just leads to addiction and despair. I was made to crave God, and if I replace my craving with anything other than God, including food, it results in this whole struggle I find myself in now with the donut. <br />
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To get out of this vortex of craving food and then crashing over food that is not good for me, I am going to need some serious power. Serious power is exactly what God has huge amounts of and a food addiction is no match for God almighty. However, if I attempt to overcome this without God I am beat before I even begin, as my vast past failures attest to. I need God. I need to stay close to God! I need God to teach me how to meet my need for happiness and peace through God approved ways. When I put food above God in my life it does not give me that happiness and peace. I am running after a lie and the result is sickness, guilt, and frustration all in exchange for a few seconds of chewing! So I leaned on God and He enabled me to say no to the donut. Actually I had to say no to the donut about 21 times before I finally was able to get out of the donut infested building. I still craved the donut and it did make part of me unhappy to not be able to put it in my mouth, but my spirit was exhilarated. This is not a quick fix: God is going to have to completely re program how I think. I am going to have to keep at replacing the lies with truth. I am going to have to learn to crave God first, and look to Him to meet my needs instead of food. I have a lifetime of attempting to get my satisfaction and peace out of what I eat. Even though it has not worked so far, part of me still wants to cling to the lie and try that donut one more time. So I now have my truth scripture from Proverbs 16:20 on a cue card and my goal is to memorise it. To get the truth deep in my heart, and from now on to face every treat with God as my help and the truth as my weapon.<br />
<br />Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-82030004170620697722015-02-04T08:57:00.003-08:002016-01-11T17:06:02.871-08:00Hopeless to Healthy - food So my issues with food are not going to be a quick fix. I thought that once I finally nailed down my guidelines after being wishy-washy for years, that I would immediately soar to victory. Not quite the case in real life. First of all, nailing down my guidelines was more difficult than I expected.<br />
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How do you figure out what is a healthy diet? Because of some OCD tendencies, or maybe perfectionism, or maybe just being a girl I have some food baggage from my past. This baggage was not something I had been able to get over by myself so I was going to need God's help to revisit my issues. I prayed for wisdom and strength and gave the whole confusing mangled food mess in my mind to God. Like pulling a band aid off fast, God revealed my first issue clearly as perfectionism. God really is the ultimate counsellor and it is so neat that he can supernaturally reveal relevant stuff in your head. My first problem was I had not been in pursuit of a healthy diet but the perfect diet, free from all errors and all imperfect food. This was not a reasonable or even doable goal. My first clue should have been when I went to the food experts to find the perfect foods and they couldn't agree for two minutes about what was good and what was bad. Furthermore various experts have something bad to say about most foods, disqualifying pretty much all food known to man from being a perfect choice. No wonder I was frustrated and stressed out, there was no way I could succeed at the perfect diet - I was already set up to fail! For instance, if I ate a salad but had salad dressing on it: I felt bad about the salad dressing because it is not a perfectly good food. If I was really being a successful dieter I would have salad without the dressing. But seriously that is not even worth eating! Every time I ate something questionable (<b>all food known to man</b>) my anxiety level would go through the roof! I was a mess emotionally and that just made me want to each large quantities of the kind of food all \ all the experts agreed was really bad for me. I got overwhelmed and decide to not make any firm guidelines, but I still felt bad about just about everything I put in my mouth. I know God wants me to establish what healthy eating is for me and I can see now that I have to get over trying to do it perfectly. <br />
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I think I am also easily overwhelmed because my food choices are already limited by allergies and sensitivities. I was feeling sick all the time a few years ago and went to a naturopath who did a blood test to determine what food I am sensitive to. Her tests showed I needed to pretty much avoid wheat and lima beans and limit my intake of eggs, sugar, unprocessed milk, and almonds. The Lima beans I have not had any trouble living without but I consume way too much of the other stuff on a regular basis. Because I have been distracted by finding the perfect diet I have not had the energy to limit these things I already know I should avoid. I should not have wheat more than once a week and only small amounts of eggs, sugar, milk and almonds but I have been avoiding making this a firm guideline. I feel sick when I cheat on this stuff but I still have been binging on it. But no more! I solemnly declare to everyone who is listening that I will only have wheat once a week and only very small amounts of eggs, sugar, milk and almonds. I will not binge or eat a whole package of chocolate chip cookies by myself. I also have been not looking after my hypoglycemia. This is a clear medical condition and is easily managed. I need to make eating smaller portions often and combining sugars and starches with protein a clear guideline in my healthy eating to avoid feeling sick and dizzy. So shall it be! I know though that this is easier said than done so I pray that God will be my strength and I admit I need His help. <br />
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OK so avoiding some foods is clear from a medical standpoint but what about the vast number of other foods that the experts disagree about. My strategy to avoid all imperfect foods has not been working so what should I do to find healing? Some wise women at the study Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, suggested I try balance instead of extremes like perfectionism. I need to let go of trying to do it perfectly and seek God to find a way to do it balanced. I should not worry about what the dulling experts disagree about, just look at the basics they all agree on. Also I need to get up to date information on what is healthy eating. My mind has achieved every food that any nutritionist has ever questioned and I am still avoiding them, when some they have decided are not questionable anymore. Perfect food is a myth and the reality is that most food has some good qualities and some not so good. The balance is to eat the nourishing food that has lots of good in it and only small amounts of unhealthy content. A little bit of fat in the dressing does not disqualify salad from being a good choice. I need to measure my success by eating healthy not by eating perfectly. Now in being balanced I also need to avoid or limit to very small portions, any food that does not have much healthy content. My diet is not an epic fail if I have salad dressing on my salad but eating a whole box of turtles is not success either. I can rejoice in all the good the greens give me and rejoice that I am not having a dangerous amount of fat but a balanced amount in the dressing. I can look to the Canada food guide for the specifics to find a starting point of balanced healthy eating. Then I can celebrate each food victory each time I make a healthy choice. Give myself some food "Grace" and stop being a tyrant to myself. This is especially important because my choices are already limited by my sensitivities. . I need to get creative finding healthy options that I can eat to replace the things in my diet that I can't have and not feel bad if these options are not perfect, but rejoice in the good parts of them.<br />
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Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-1161022670773367722015-02-01T14:37:00.000-08:002016-01-11T17:07:18.260-08:00Free from Food? AHHHHHHHH ! - food I have issues with food. Even my kids tell me on a regular basis, "mom you have a problem!", usually after I ate half a pie or their share of something. Until recently I just shrugged it off and did not worry too much about it, feeling it was an endearing quality. If there is a acceptable problem for a Christian to have it is eating and I thought it was not really impacting my faith. But more than that I felt as a "good Christian" there were so many things I gave up like not getting drunk or sleeping with men besides my husband that there should be something that I could indulge in. Food seemed pretty safe and so I just let myself go in the food department. Now I did not admit this to anyone especially myself. But I took a Bible study at my church called "made to crave" by Lysa Terkeurst and God has used it powerfully to open my eyes.<br />
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I would have to classify my previous limits about food as wishy washy. I never really nailed down my goals or aspirations but kept them vague. I think i did this so that I did not have to feel compelled to actually follow any "rules". If you do not set the bar at a particular height then you don't have to feel bad about not reaching the bar. But the funny thing is that the indecisiveness I used to protect me from failing caused me huge amounts of anxiety. Here's what it looked like in my real life. I would eat a cookie and immediately feel bad because a cookie was "cheating". I am not only sensitive to sugar because I have hypoglycemia but I am very allergic to wheat which is the second ingredient in cookies after sugar! But despite those realities I somehow convinced myself that it is OK to have cookies. Now I did not do a <i>good</i> job of convincing myself and so I still had that deep down unrest when I ate anything that was not perfectly good for me. But one cookie is just the start of the food drama that overshadows my life. One cookie does not satisfy me but just makes me want more cookies. Since I do not have any set limits it is fairly easy to convince myself that it is OK to have more cookies but again I suck completely at fully convincing myself so that nagging anxiety and guilt deep down still exists. Two cookies are not enough for me, the second one makes me want more too, so number three finds its way into my mouth. Again though the uneasiness of compromise sucks the joy out the situation. When left unattended with cookies I have eaten 7 large ones including ones that were earmarked for my children. I have taken cookies out of the mouths of children! I have also eaten an entire tray of turtles - 12 right down the hatch. This does not bring joy to my life but I am driven by an all consuming need for food and I do not want to limit my indulgence so I didn't make clear limits. Eating like this makes me feel sick but I struggle to find ways to keep doing it. I thought the lack of limits would help me eat more cookies guilt free but this brilliant idea was not working.<br />
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This struggle is as old as the fall and I don't think I am alone in my pain. My eyes have been opened in taking this Bible study and I am starting to realise that the root of this problem is trust. I am afraid that if I give my food choices to God I will not get to eat all the fun indulgent things that I think will bring me happiness and satisfaction. Yes I am deluded, and still thinking that somehow the road to happiness is down the road of no limits, even though this has not worked in the past. I think Satan must be laughing at how his lies are so effective, that he has me unwilling to give up what is causing me immense misery. It all boils down to me wanting control and thinking I know how to do this food thing better than God. I am afraid that if I give my food choices to God he will hold out on me and limit my freedom. Like Eve in the garden, Satan lied to her, and as a result she was questioning God's goodness because he had limited her freedom and God had told her <i>not</i> to do something. I look like such a fool clutching to the food that is harming me not only physically but spiritually as well! I need to give this area to God completely and submit everything I put in my mouth to Him. Everything!!!! This also means figuring out what are healthy food choices for me and what are not, by asking God for wisdom. This out of control cookie monster needs some clear limits. Anytime God asks us to yield something to Him he is not holding out on us: He wants to save us from the mess we end up in when we refuse to give him control! Not trusting God with my food is not an <i>acceptable</i> sin, its just a sin like any other. True freedom lies in giving this area to God not holding it from him . <br />
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Join me in the following weeks as I take this food adventure with God.<br />
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<br />Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-7207530266271542692014-12-05T17:27:00.001-08:002014-12-05T17:27:23.937-08:00Warning:The holidays without faith in Christ can be dangerous to your healthThe Christmas season is a lot of peoples favourite time of year but for some it's far from pleasant. My friend works in retail, and the impatience and swearing that comes along with the Christmas season has already begun. Who knew that not being able to open an extra till because it is already closed for the day and having to go back to one of three lines that were open, would quickly unravel some customer's whole day. Two were so upset that they threw down their merchandise on the counter and swearing loudly stormed out of the store. This can definitely be a difficult time of year and my heart goes out to those who are suffering through it. This difficult time of Christmas originated with Jesus being born as a baby who ironically came to save us and help us through the difficult times in life. He is the reason for the season. However by leaving Jesus out of Christmas, the materialism, business and time spent with family can turn into more of a problem than a joyful celebration.<br />
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Jesus came to give us peace and joy and it is available to all who have a relationship with Him. . But many don't include a relationship with Jesus in their holidays festivities and that peace and joy is missing them completely. Jesus was born in a stable to bring peace and joy to all mankind but this "best gift ever" is only available to those who will accept it and open their hearts to Jesus. If someone gives you a gift but you don't take it or open it, you don't get to enjoy it or use it. So how do we receive and open this Christmas gift of Salvation from God? Receiving starts with us acknowledging that we sin and that our sin separates us from having a relationship with God. Jesus was born as a baby so that he could grow into a man who dealt with this sin problem by dying on the cross. Jesus was God come down to earth as a human and he did not sin at all while living on earth, so when he died on the cross that qualified him to be our substitute. This might make more sense if I get Canadian and use hockey to explain. If the goalie gets a penalty he does not serve the penalty in the box because he is the goalie. What happens is another team member sits in the box and serves the penalty for the goalie while the goalie stays in the net. Someone had to pay the price of our sin so that we could be reunited with God and that is what Jesus did on the cross: he sat in the penalty box for us and served our penalty. He served our time so that if we are sorry for our sin and commit to stop sinning we no longer need to be penalised for our sin but God wipes our slate clean and forgives us all our wrong. We can then begin a relationship with the God who created the universe. Besides asking for and receiving forgiveness for our sin we also start this relationship with God by humbly giving God ultimate control of our lives. Basically we yield ourselves completely to God and let Him be the boss. Once God has control of our lives he can direct them in such a better way than we directed them. Then He can lead us in the ways that bring us peace and joy and freedom. Our Christmas can be transformed into a good season.<br />
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Even those who have a relationship with Jesus can miss the peace and joy if they get caught up in the rushing and trails and excessive business of Christmas. Sometimes we do not actually give Jesus of all areas of our life but desperately clutch at control. We don't leave our concerns in His capable hands but ruminate in them, and our peace is quickly stolen away. Without trust in God, worry is free to grow unchecked and becomes a force to be reckoned with. Faith is like an umbrella to protect us from the rain of worry. <br />
The continuous drip of worry has stolen so much joy from my life. I am not sure why I have been so reluctant to replace worry with faith? Maybe I did not notice how much worrying I actually do. About 3 months ago I prayed and asked God to heal the emotional part of me. It has been such a revealing journo since then. God has been showing me all the messed up things that happen in my brain and one of the main things is the actual extent of my worrying. I think on average I worry probably once every three minutes! My mind is so full of fear and concern it is no wonder I am on anti- depressants. I can't enjoy life because I am continually pouring toxic thoughts out of mind that poison my outlook on everything. I need AAA for worriers so I can stand up and say "Hi my name is Kristen Webb and I have a problem with worry" and then get help for my addiction. Good thing our church offers an emotional 12 step program and I am in it right now! It has pointed me in the right direction to find healing and freedom. <br />
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The prescription for healing is to take all your worries to God and drop them (actually let go) into God's capable hands. When you are tempted to take the worry back - trust God to handle the issues! Peacefully look to God for the solutions to all the problems in your life. I discovered that all my planning and scheming was not a really good solution to my troubles. Instead I give God that responsibility and confidently listen to his voice for the answers and then simply obey him and do what he suggests. This faith we put in God enables us to let go of the worry and fear and replace it with peace and confident expectation of solutions. The Bible says that God gives us beauty for ashes which sounds <i>way </i>to good to be true. That is exactly what God has done for me. As I give him the ashes of worry and fear he replaces it with the beauty of faith followed by peace. I needed to learn to trust God with my life because then even before the answer gets to you you can still have peace and joy while you wait :) This is a truly amazing way to live and more fun than when my mind was overrun with concern because I was tightly holding onto the control of my life. Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-38893581464333950892014-10-25T20:32:00.001-07:002014-10-25T20:32:08.143-07:00My Giants have furOn October 12 Our pastor spoke on Lessons in Conquest from Joshua 10 to 12. It so related to my life! I have had an particular issue that I have been struggling with for 10 years. I just never seem to have victory over it. It is a bizarre thing to struggle with. I am addicted to selling and buying horses. I am not sure why it gives me such a rush but I love doing it. It started because I have a very limited budget and very high expectations of what I want in a horse. Joshua had to face Giants but the giants I face have fur. Looking back I can see why I struggled so long without victory. Basically even though I prayed about it I never really believed God could answer. My prayers were more of a fierce desperate wishing followed by worry and scheming. I still felt like it was a huge long shot that I would ever find the horse I was looking for. I did the opposite of Joshua who acted in faith, listened to God's voice, lived in partnership with God, and prayed with imagination.<br />
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I was not kidding when I said this was a long road of mistakes. The first horse I bought was pretty but very stubborn so I sold him and tried to get another horse that was closer to my wish list. But each horse I would get, after a little while, I would think that if I sold them I could trade up for something better. I did this in a frenzied fashion. I would look on kijiji and find something that was amazing that I just had to have. However I had to sell the horse I had first. I would list my horse and then wait not very patiently for it to sell. I would worry that the horse I had seen and wanted and really believed was the only horse for me, would sell before my horse sold. I am ashamed to say I did this roughly 10 times in 8 years. My husband was really grateful that I did not treat my men like my horses! I liked the rush of buying a new horse but then I would crash in depression when I would realise the horse I thought was perfect was far from it. Part of the problem was my expectations were completely unrealistic for the amount of money I had to work with. The expectations themselves were not based in reality but on my girlish dreams and further amplified by my perfectionist personality. Also I was not very logical when I was looking at a horse and in my desperate desire to finally find one that worked I would overlook serious problems. <br />
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The horse I bought last year was the worst mistake of them all. She was more money than any of the others and she was one. She had a problem with bucking when you get on - like you were in a rodeo. I need a safe horse because I have already fallen on my head too many times and I can't fall off again. This horse was my worst nightmare and the people I bought it from would not take it back. In the end I had to pretty much give it away. At this point I recognised that I had a problem and I really wanted to stop the cycle and just find a horse that was safe that I could keep for a long time. I also prayed about this and for the first time I really gave it to God and stopped worrying and stressing about it. God did not have much to work with because I had no money left for my next horse as I had lost it all on the night mare. God being all powerful and all knowing was not stressed by my request for a horse. In fact I think He was very relieved that I finally was giving it to Him. He started working on pulling the strings to bring me the right horse for me despite of myself. <br />
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There was a horse that I was boarding for someone else who wanted this horse to be shipped out to her in BC at the end of summer. She was an older white mare and did not catch my attention because usually I go for the flashy, crazy horses. Well, the owner decided that she was too old to ship such a long distance and decided to give her away to someone here. The owner asked me to try her out and then put an ad on kijiji and find her a new home. I tried her out and she was seriously the best horse I had ever ridden! To think she had been in my backyard all summer! She was so safe and obedient that I could ride her with my daughter who has Downs syndrome on as well. I was enjoying riding when I was on her and it was peaceful and soothing.<br />
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I had some reservations however because she was older and not the prettiest horse I have ever seen and usually buying young and pretty is high on my priority list. But I asked God what He wanted me to do. He impressed upon me that safety was the most important thing and having a horse I can trust. It was vain of me to only want good looking horses that others would admire. Who cares if others think the horse that just <em>bucked you off</em> is good looking! This time I was trying to live in partnership with God in regards to my horse search, instead of going off on my own schemes. Fear of getting the wrong horse again was at first overwhelming but as I wrestled with what horse to get I just keep praying and asking God to help. I did find that He eventually gave me freedom to act without fear right around the same time I finally got a hold of the idea that God administers all the resources of the land. Finding me a great horse was not a hard task for Him. Even helping me accept that what I originally wanted in a horse was not the best choice was not a hard task for him either!<br />
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So instead of living in fear and making a hasty decision I trusted God to meet my need and bring me a safe sane horse. It was pretty cool that He arranged for the horse that I was considering to not be available to anyone else until I made up my mind. I did not have to make a fast decision because no one else even knew she was available for free yet! So I rode the older white mare many times and she was excellent every time. She did not even spook at deer or partridges flying up in her face. I prayed that God would help me look past her age and outward appearance and He totally answered. She put on weight and looked much better and I started to really like her one blue eye. God pointed out that her age is what makes her so reliable and perfect for me because I am no spring chicken either. By the time I decided to keep her it was a "no brainer" because God had made it very clear to me that she was the one. I am still in awe about how He found me a free horse that was better than all the other ones I bought and sold through the years. Not only was the horse free but I did not even have to pay for trailering because she was already at my farm! The little amount I got for the night mare horse was just enough to get the vet out to look after my new horse's teeth and shots. <br />
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I have had her for 3 months now and I like her more every time I ride her. I am so thankful to God for ending my horse search and freeing me from my trading addiction. I do sometimes feel the same old urge to maybe upgrade and get a better horse but then I apologise to God and thank Him for the great horse I have. I ask Him to continue to help me be content with the horse He gave me and not be such a picky perfectionist. By the way, I called my new horse Eden and she is going to be part of my life for long time. Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-70012196757415270242014-10-24T16:38:00.002-07:002014-10-24T16:38:47.671-07:00Potluck and PraiseLast Sunday night I attended the pot luck and praise night at the church. While we were eating we were asked to discuss a question about if we had noticed God's hand in our lives. <br />
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God's hand prints are all over my life. In fact the very food I had been blissfully eating at the potluck portion of the evening was an answer to prayer! I am allergic to wheat and few other things like eggs, almonds and Lima Beans. I don't feel too bad about having to avoid lima beans but the wheat is really hard to miss out on. I was not looking forward to the pot luck as I imagined it would be a lot of dishes that looked fantastic and made my mouth water that I could not eat. It is torture to walk by yummy things that people have prepared and not put them on my plate. So before I went to the pot luck I prayed and ask God to help me with will power so that I would behave. When I got there I discovered there were other people who are also gluten free and they had brought yummy food! It is not half as hard to pass up gluten ladden dishes when there is lots of tasty stuff I <strong>can</strong> eat. Thank you God for enabling me to not only stay gluten free but gluten free and still happy because that is a big deal!<br />
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<br />Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-69487947921730837142014-09-29T10:26:00.000-07:002014-09-29T10:26:01.148-07:00Hearing and Following God's ridiculous RequestsHas God ever asked you to do something you thought was a bit odd or strange or just not logical? Did you have the courage to do it or did you chicken out? When God asked you did you get angry or excited? I have been going through a long period this last 3 years of God asking me to do some frustrating things. In the past I would get angry or fearful or say bitterly "another character developing opportunity" when God asked me to go through difficult situations. Because of my attitude these situations where extra unpleasant and though I did develop character I also developed doubt and bitterness. In the last three years I have embraced a new attitude. One of faith in God, knowing He loves me. I was eagerly waiting to see what cool things Jesus did in the midst of the Chaos to sustain me and make good come out of bad. <br />
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This three year period started out with a very unfortunate incident. I was walking across the road and I was struck by a truck. Do not under an circumstances try to take on a truck on foot - it does not go well! I was J walking and he failed to stop or look before he turned out in front of me. I broke my leg at the femur - like right in half so it was dangling at a strange angle when I tried to lift it up. I also re injured a concussion that I had gotten a year previously from being tossed off a horse head first when it fell in a hole at a gallop. Now this accident was not God's fault but human error, but for the last three years God has been making good come out of it.<br />
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I have learnt so many things! For instance, how to hear God even in demanding situations. Just like the sermon last week about how to learn good discernment: God has been teaching me to listen carefully, be alert, surrender and trust God for victory. Because of the leg and the concussion I have had to be very still for very long periods of time. It is amazing how much easier it is to hear God when you are still and quiet. I am a very goal oriented person and I like to get stuff done - I do not like to rest. However God has taught me to rest and actually enjoy it and benefit from it. <br />
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With my concussion I have progressed to only needing quiet rest about 4 times a day for about an hour a time. Right after the accident I pretty much rested 24 / 7 . If I do not rest I get headaches of epic proportions that make any kind of any activity debilitating. Reading quietly or watching TV or even talking on the phone with my eyes closed do not count as rest. I must ,make like a mushroom, and spend lots of time in a dark quiet bed doing nothing. At the start this was very frustrating and boring, but I got better at it and if resting were an Olympic sport I would now so get gold! I discovered that the quiet worked really well for listening to God and if I surrendered to Him he would give me peace and joy. Because I did not have my brain cluttered with all my busy plans I found I could be alert to hear God's voice and hear Him better than ever before. He has been very clear that He wants to me to keep resting as much as I need to and give my list of things I need to get done to Him. I have learnt to trust Him for victory over my anxious heart and He has calmed me down so much. It is very hard to get anything done when you need to rest as often and as long as me. However, I have seen God do supernatural things to my heart and to my schedule and He has come through. <br />
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Now when I have to go rest I feel safe and peaceful instead of frustrated and driven. You might say my life is a bit ridiculous when it is interrupted with sleep so often through out the day. God does ask me to rest and that does appear to be a counter intuitive request if you goal is getting stuff done. But I have discovered that for me obeying God means resting and He gives me such a joy and relief in that. He has shown me that all that down time has been a wonderful opportunity to pray and to meditate on his word. These two acts have totally changed my life in so many good ways. God's word is so awesome and following it is the path to true contentment and satisfaction. I do some times still feel frustrated and wish I had more time to get things done but when I run to God he shows me to be patient and do what He asks. This works so much better than trying to do what the world says you must do to be considered successful.<br />
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Just like the Isrealites laid rocks from the middle of the river to remember what God had done for them, I want to keep blogging what God has done for me. I want to remember so my faith can be strengthened. We sing a song at church called the rock won't move and it really describes well my journay through the last three years - here are the words:<br />
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The Rock Won't Move</div>
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Verse 1</div>
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When the ground beneath my feet gives way</div>
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And I hear the sound of crashing waves</div>
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And all my world is washing out to sea</div>
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I'm hidden safe in the God who never moves</div>
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Holding fast to the promise of the truth</div>
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That You are holding tighter still to me</div>
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Chorus 1</div>
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The rock won't move and His word is strong</div>
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The rock won't move and His love can't be undone</div>
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The rock won't move and His word is strong</div>
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The rock won't move and His love can't be undone</div>
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The rock of our salvation</div>
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Verse 2</div>
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My hope is in the promise of Your blood</div>
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My support within the raging flood</div>
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Even in the tempest I can sing</div>
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I'm hidden safe in the God who never moves</div>
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Holding fast to the promise of the truth</div>
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That You are holding tighter still to me</div>
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Misc 1</div>
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(Interlude)</div>
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Woah woah woah the rock of our salvation</div>
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Misc 2</div>
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(Bridge)</div>
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On Christ the solid rock I stand</div>
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All other ground is sinking sand</div>
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The rock won't move the rock won't move</div>
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When darkness seems to hide His face</div>
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I rest in His unchanging grace</div>
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The rock won't move the rock won't move</div>
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CCLI Song # 7005719</div>
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Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-82172420501123493682014-09-24T11:41:00.000-07:002014-09-30T05:05:43.357-07:00Seriously! PeacePeace, something we all long for and something that sometimes feels like an elusive emotion. On September 14 my pastor implied that there is a way to access internal peace and rest regardless of the circumstances. That sounds a might bit unrealistic given my circumstances lately. I have been trying recently to give my problems to God and to trust Him with them but it is not so easy. <br />
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For instance take the problem of wasps entering my home. Since late summer I have had wasps coming into my house at a rate of about 5 a day. I first see them in my dining room hanging out at the ceiling or in the big window. I do not like wasps or any kind of stinging insect. They are not aggressive which is good but still creepy. <br />
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I like to be control of my environment some might even say I am obsessive about certain things. Well my brain got a hold of this wasp crisis and it was off and running trying to figure out how to fix it and what might the worse case scenario look like. I imagined hundreds of wasps descending into my house and biting me and my children repeatedly and us all dying. I also imagined never being able to find where they were coming in and thus never being able to stop them. For some reason these thoughts would whip me into an internal frenzy of fear. That fear then urged me to do whatever it took to fix this problem and not rest until it was over. I had prayed and asked God to help me but I was not trusting Him enough to let go of the anxiety and fear. I basically wanted Him to fix the problem the way I had figured out to fix it. I wanted him to show me where the little buggers were getting in and then extract the entire nest so that the wasps would be gone.<br />
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So i proceeded with my plan of attack still scared and overwhelmed and not feeling very restful or peaceful. I watched the dining room like a hawk for days at a time trying to catch a wasp entering. There was some knot holes in the ceiling and some gaps around the trim. I could never see the blasted things making their entrance so I put duck tape over all the knot holes to see if that helped. I still had wasps showing up. I would get the ladder from the shop and frantically kill each one that appeared with great fear of getting stung. <br />
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I was sharing my dilemma with my sister in law and hubby one day at lunch. I needed to explain to my sister in law why I was spending time out of our visit hauling out the ladder and never looking at her when she talked but instead focusing on the trim in the ceiling. She was very support of of my plans to kill all wasps but my husband felt I was being rude to her. He pointed out that they had not bit me yet and were just coming in because of the cold weather which makes them sleepy. They were on deaths door anyway. He suggested I kill them when I see them and not be so panicked. I freaked at him and said my fears were justified and I would not rest until I found where these wasps are coming in. I see now that He was trying to help but because I was over reacting, his comments just made me more anxious. <br />
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So I had it out with God. I told Him that He had promised to answer my prayers and where was He and why was I so upset. Maybe the promise of peace was only to folks who do not have OCD and insects storming their home. When I rant with God I try to also journal and write down what He says back. Prayer is a two way conversation. This is very helpful because after all God is the creator of the universe and is all knowing, which come in handy when problem solving. So When I listened this time, God said that He promised to answer when we ask <em>without doubt</em>. Doubt can block us from answers. (James 1:6-8) So my fear and anxiety was blocking an answer. Also He gently pointed out that when I ask for help I should not put Him in a box and demand He answer me in only my certain predetermined way. That was nervy of me and I should repent. Well I must say I responded much better to God than I did to my husband. I wonder why that is? <br />
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I repented and then asked for help with the wasps and I trusted God to fix it somehow. Trust is so freeing. It's like a buy one get one free. You buy into trust and you get peace and rest just as an added bonus. I guess in the future, I need to be watching out for anxiety and fear because if I have them I know automatically I am not really trusting God and that I have doubt. This relates back to that sermon where Jason pointed out that if we are not in step with God we will not have that internal peace and rest. We need to look for God and what He is doing - instead of telling Him how to do his job! We need to ask God what to do and step out and actually do it, letting go of the fear and worry. So I gave the wasps to God and my obsession about finding their home and eradicating them. When I listened to God He said that I needed to calm down and just kill any wasps that came in and not worry about them. So that is what I did. God gave me the strength to stop obsessing and be OK that the odd wasp would enter my house a few times a day. God helped me get over my fear of wasps and just not mind sharing my space with them so much. I decided to let go of my need to find where they were entering and it is such a better way to live. <br />
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Even though I did not see the answer right away, and wasps where still paying me frequent visits, I still had peace and rest - what a precious gift. Eventually they stopped coming in as often and now they only come occasionally every few days. I just calmly smack them with the fly swatter - I am really getting good with that thing! - and proceed on with my day. I am so glad I did not rip out the ceiling to try to find their nest or hire an expensive bug killer guy. Jason was right you can have internal peace and rest regardless of the circumstances even if you are a women with some emotional hang ups.Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-87222660002832251032013-01-17T14:38:00.002-08:002013-01-17T14:38:54.152-08:00A had an old friend comment that she does not beleive in God because she could not find any proof of His existance. That got me thinking about what proof I have that there is a God and that He loves me. I have done tons of research about Jesus being the son of God, the Bible being an accurate document and creation making more logical sense than evolution. My brain has found more than enough reason to believe in the God of the Bible. We certainly do not need to check our intellect at the door, to believe in Jesus Christ as the savior or the world. <br />
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But it is not just my brain that believes in God it is my heart and emotions too. I have been struggling with the fall out of getting hit by a truck for more than a year and a half now. I am still having headaches and my leg still hurts often. I may never get completely better. Also I have found out that my daughter with down syndrome will not be able to talk even though we have been working with her for years in the hopes that she would speak one day. You would think that I would be pretty bummed out and discouraged. However it not just me dealing with all of this - I have a supernatural God who has not left me alone! In the past when bad stuff happened I would start to doubt that God really is alive and that He loved me. <br />
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This round of trials my faith has grown to the point that in the midst of it I still believe that God is real and that He does still love me. I have expected Him to make good come out of it and trusted Him to help me through. The results from this different attitude of faith have been amazing!!! I have experienced joy and peace and have learned so much this last year and a bit. God is good and He can transform the bad and ugly into awesome. <br />
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Take last week for example. We had a great holiday with our kids. We were on our way home and our truck stopped working. We managed to pull into a hotel and someone pushed us into a parking space out of the traffic flow. I prayed that it would be an easy, cheap fix and we booked into the hotel. Once we head home our whole family tends to be very focased on getting there are quick as possible. We don't even drink so that we can stop less for the bathroom! We were all heartbrocken about having to stay longer in Georgia. It was Saturday so we could not even get the truck looked until Monday. <br />
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The whole family was really upset but after wallowing a bit in the depression I remembered to pray that God will help us and help make this a good experience: a supernatural experience. We started to try to try to find the good in the situation. We had broke down in a town instead of on the freeway and even rolled into a hotel that was in our budget (which was limited). We were also in walking distance of a variety of restaurants and a walmart. So we thanked God for all of that and prayed He would help us have a fun time and that we would let go of our desire to get home immediately. We found some cool stuff to watch on TV and bought some cards to play. We had a great time - even the kids. God gave us joy and patience and peace. This kids did not complain and whine which is something we have been working on for years. That is supernatural -kids in a bad situation being about to look on the good side!! Our hotel was sketchy and did not have a pool but they experienced God's joy in the midst of it all.<br />
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We found out our transmission was toast and that they had to put a new one in. I was tempted to freakout as that is not in the budget. But then I remembered that God told me I could trust Him for money stuff. Once I trusted Him the panic subsided and peace came back. Trust rocks compared to worry! They did it as quick as possible and we got on the road at 4:00 in the afternoon Tuesday. Praising God that we could finally get home and thankful for the good family fun we had while waiting. I am so glad that I have kept pursing God and working at trusting Him even when it was not easy for all these years. It has sure paid off! The ability to have peace and joy despite the circumstances is the best thing I have learned and the gift I am most thankful for to God. Once I got over the fixation on feeling that God could only answer my prayers by fixing the actual problem I realized that He can also answer my prayers by changing my response to the problems! Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-33930875200470542352012-01-16T10:14:00.000-08:002012-01-16T10:14:06.068-08:00Sabbath not a guilty Question Mark AnymoreAt our church they have been talking about the sabbath. This concept has confused me for my whole life. I think I am finally getting it. God wants us to participate in one day off a week because He loves us - not because he wants us to jump through his hoops and add another things to our list of "shoulds". Its a matter of faith in God - that even if I take a day off the important stuff will still get done because God is able and I am not God. It is such a relief to just take a day off to relax and learn more about God. It feels like I am a dry patch of land and the Sabbath is like rain. It feels so good! I wonder how many people are sick in body or mind because they are not getting that break in their week? I am not going to be one of them anymore - Im taking a Sabbath from now on.Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-55005764532785675662011-12-24T19:29:00.000-08:002011-12-24T19:29:54.730-08:00surprise! you are in the middle of a warMy oldest daughters are terrified of spiders and there was a sighting on the upstairs ceiling this afternoon. Mark said he would pay them $1 to go up and kill it themselves. Addison went up because although she is scared of spiders, she really likes money. The war was on! She needed help so she called in Megan as back up. There was yelling and screaming and some how they lost the spider in question. Bedtime was approaching and neither would go upstairs, so Mark told them that he would kill it, if they both paid him $5. They were willing to pay the price so up he went. We could hear him downstairs saying things like " Oh look at the cute little fellow, and making kissing noises". He brought it downstairs and Megan locked her self in the bathroom but Addison came over to see the little guy and she decided that he was cute and then didn't want to kill him lol. But Megan would not come out unless we had a DEAD spider to show her so spidy lost his life. Mark has decided that the girls are afraid because they do not have enough information so this holiday they are going to capture and study various spiders. Which is better than his first idea: to all watch aracnophopia.<br />
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It is Christmas eve and I am thinking about cheerful stuff like the battle between good and evil. Lately It seems like those on God's side are not experiencing the overwhelming victory I would like to see. People are getting hurt, because they are giving into temptation or others are giving into temptation. I hate conflict and in my perfect world we would all get along at all times and no one would ever feel pain or defeat. However, in real life there is evil and if we don't put up a fight agaisnt it - Evil will win and much damage will be done. Satan HATES us and wants to destroy us and everything good. Pretending He does not exist is not a great battle plan. Jesus is going to win which is great info to have ahead of time, but that does not mean we can just wait around for that to happen. We are partners with God and he wants us to fight with Him. <br />
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I was listening to "Courageous" the new song by Casting Crowns today. ( You gotta love Mark's boss who gave him a $100 gift certificate for the Bible book store for Christmas. Then Mark took us all and let us all pick something out. What fun!!! I got the new Casting Crowns CD.) It was very inspiring and I was feeling ready to fight! I want to spread around God's love and I am excited about the possibility of making a difference. Another good song to rally the troups is Brave by Nicole Nordmen.<br />
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I gotta go and fill some stockings. Merry Christmas and Fight for God and Good!<br />
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Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-9911192264115051612011-12-17T10:24:00.000-08:002011-12-17T10:24:23.174-08:00I am a superhero!Yesterday I actually made my gluten free muffins all by myself. I am feeling the glow of accomplishment. Not only that but I also MADE SUPPER! Yes I have been reduced to rejoicing over these litte activities. Me, Kristen Webb type A personality, who used to be able to .... actually I can't even remember the piles of things I used to be able to cross off my list in a day. I guess its not so bad that I can be grateful for what I can get done even though it is so little. That's better than being bummed out about my limitations lol. <br />
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There is always good to be found in my day. Wheather it's thanking God for the sun streaming in my window onto my bed or a great Christian song playing on the radio that makes my heart soar. (almost typed it sour which is what I might be if I didn't have God sustaining me) <br />
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Found out my dream job will not be available like I hoped but I gotta trust God for my future and as my friends keep pointing out I gotta focas on getting better and not stress about the future. God said to me the other day: " You have enough information to know what to do. So just do what is clear and don't stress about what is not yet. You do not have enough time to do anything more than what is clear anyway lol (yah I distinctly heard God say lol)" With a leg that is not healing and hurts to walk and a concussion that needs me to sleep most of the day and the night just to manage it, I don't have time for much but getting better. So I would have to be dense to get what God and my friends are saying. I GET IT - stop worrying about the future and just look after my body today the best I can so it has a chance to heal. My friends Mish and Becky will be so proud of me. Why is this such a hard lesson?<br />
Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-41599410965038731702011-12-17T10:07:00.000-08:002011-12-17T10:07:31.597-08:00Surprised by painI had my leg operated on Tuesday to take out some screws and I was thinking it would be no big deal but it resulted in a great deal of pain. Usually right after I get operated on I am in the hospital where they have that awesome drug morphine but it was day surgery. I already know that Perks don't work on my pain so this time they gave me Tylonol 3s. What is it with my body and pain meds - The Tylonol 3s did not touch the pain but caused me to be unable to sleep for 2 days !!! So we are back to Advil which works better than anything else and allows me to sleep. The concussion symptoms were amplifed by the operation and so I was up to phase 4 where I can't think straight and do things like forget Mark's work number! Even with the advil, the pain in my leg took my breath away. So I have slept a lot this week and my concussion has calmed down and my leg pain is now bareable. I am so grateful that I have the freedom to sleep while the kids are in schoolKristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-2416431519013158092011-12-09T19:31:00.000-08:002011-12-09T19:31:05.476-08:00recalculatingEarly this week I had two days when my headache was strangely absent. This was so exciting! I started gearing up to maybe start looking for a job. I got myself quite excited thinking of all the possiblities but then woke up the next day with a killer headache - the concussion was not over like I thought! I was so disappointed.<br />
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Then I had an appointment with the surgen where I was expecting him to tell me that my leg is all healed nice and I could start riding horses again. However, he looked at the exray and told me that my leg was not healing as quick as he thought it would. He would have to operate again to loosen some screws to help it heal faster. Another 6 weeks before I can ride or start looking for work. I had an emotional meltdown and a self-pity party. Then I prayed and asked God to help me be patient. Like with GPS if you get lost it just recalculates a new route - God adjusted my attitude and I got back on track. Trusting Him to be with me through this time and letting go of my dreams that are now delayed. God is still good and He will not leave me so I am going to be OK<br />
Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-21926129156532097222011-12-03T17:53:00.000-08:002011-12-03T17:53:12.509-08:00Live within your limitsEarlier this week I had a day where I did drastically more than normal, which does not take much. Normal is getting the kids to school, sleeping until they come home, making dinner and hanging with my family till 10:00 and then hitting the hay to sleep all night. If they had an olympic event for sleeping I would so kick butt! Needing crazy amounts of sleep is par for the course when you have a concussion. <br />
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I am surprised that I lasted for two months before I snapped and just had to get things done or go crazy. Accomplishing so much more than normal, put me on such I high that I decided to not just be productive for one day, but to try it for 3. Now don't get me wrong I physically was not feeling good but it was so outweighed by the ecstasy of accomplishment that I could not stop myself. Well, actually I could have stopped myself; I just choose not to. I could feel God telling me that this was not a good idea but I didn't listen to Him. <br />
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Now, three days living in productive land, has produced a wicked headache (I just want to cut part of my head off to make it stop hurting), and a leg that aches even when I am resting. Also, the ecstasy has been replaced with confusion, despair, irritability and that lovely overwhelmed feeling . I have learned my lesson, and tommorow I am starting back at the sleep-lots-routine and will just have to accept not being very productive. I know that my worth is not based on how much I accomplish. Jesus loves me unconditionally even when I get nothing done but healing. In fact he is more pleased with me when I listen to Him, and be like that lamb: relaxing all curled up and cosy. Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-50082890562709842242011-11-30T05:27:00.000-08:002011-11-30T05:27:41.431-08:00The Door of Faith in JesusNow it just sounds so easy - God says He can help my emotions supernaturally and then He does. This has been a journey - a long long journey. Back when I was a teenager my mom was in a serious car accident and it shook my faith. I was mad at God for letting it happen, hurt and confused. My mom lived but due to the massive head injury she changed her personality and we had to look after her for a while. I got stuck wishing that it never happened and wanting life to go back to the way it used to be. I doubted God's goodness and wondered if He loved me or just liked to see me struggle.<br />
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I had a full on nervous breakdown and eventually had to take medicine for a chemical imbalance. I did not want to take medicine but now I am glad I did because before the meds I spent about 90% of my emotional energy just trying to get level. I felt emotionally horrible even when life was going well and fought so hard to not to spew that horriblness on everyone around me. With the meds I start off feeling level or normal and that's a very nice place to be. <br />
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Fast forward to now when I am the mom and I have a teenager of my own. I have been working on my trust issues with the help of my friends and Connie Giroux at my church and it is a whole different world! Now when bad things happen - like getting run over by a truck, or being diagnosed with ulcerative colitus, or having two concussions in a year, I don't rail agaisnt God, I run to Him. I hold on to the truth that He is Good and He does love me very much in the midst of the yuck. This change in outlook is like going through a door into a whole different world. The circumstances are still awful but I can handle them - even thrive in them. Faith changes everything. <br />
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I live with hope, expecting God to make good come of my life. I don't deny that what I am experiencing sucks and it is less then optimal. I acknowledge that, and I greive the losses and disappointments. However, I know God will meet my needs through others and just through Himself and so I can skip the worry. Feeling safe like a little lamb in God's arms is such a great feeling, such a relief. I don't have to wait until I can walk without crutches, or find a new job, or am symptom free from headaches to find emotional relief. God is good and He does love me! Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6481719928585434211.post-77420486086680260442011-11-29T18:22:00.000-08:002011-11-29T18:22:36.650-08:00The TruckJust sitting reflecting on the day a few months ago when I was hit by a truck while crossing the road. The first thing that crossed my mind was "Crap I'm not gonna get much done if I hurt myself." I am such a task oriented person. The next thing that I thought was: " Legs should not dangle from mid Femur, I think I might of broke it!" I did break it - right in half. I had to stay in the hospital for 5 days and let me just say: "Morphine rocks!" But once out, without the heavy duty pain killers, life took on a nasty flavour. Not because of the pain of the leg but the emotional fallout from everthing I had gone through. Personally I would rather have the pain of the broken leg than deal with depression, hopelessness, fear, and irritability. I had been in that place before and so panic rose up in my heart.<br />
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I write down my thoughts in a journal and then ask God for answers and scribe what he tells me. I had done this in the hospital when I was still feeling no pain and so I opened my journal to that page. This is what he had said: " Hold onto me and don't worry and I will work it all out. Don't despair for I will supply your needs and satisfy your soul. Rest like a little lamb and relax in me. Lift up your concerns to me and I will enable you. Don't fear the feelings for they are no match for my supernatural power" I prayed about it, my trust expanding because it was so relevant and miraculous for Him to say this days before I needed to hear it. He did calm my emotions supernaturally - what a rush.Kristen Webbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05842501363474620629noreply@blogger.com0