Saturday 24 December 2011

surprise! you are in the middle of a war

My oldest daughters are terrified of spiders and there was a sighting on the upstairs ceiling this afternoon.  Mark said he would pay them $1 to go up and kill it themselves.  Addison went up because although she is scared of spiders, she really likes money.  The war was on!  She needed help so she called in Megan as back up.   There was yelling and screaming and some how they lost the spider in question.   Bedtime was approaching and neither would go upstairs, so Mark told them that he would kill it, if they both paid him $5.  They were willing to pay the price so up he went.  We could hear him downstairs saying things like " Oh look at the cute little fellow, and making kissing noises".  He brought it downstairs and Megan locked her self in the bathroom but Addison came over to see the little guy and she decided that he was cute and then didn't want to kill him lol.  But Megan would not come out unless we had a DEAD spider to show her so spidy lost his life.  Mark has decided that the girls are afraid because they do not have enough information so this holiday they are going to capture and study various spiders.  Which is better than his first idea: to all watch aracnophopia.

It is Christmas eve and I am thinking about cheerful stuff like the battle between good and evil.   Lately It seems like those on God's side are not experiencing the overwhelming victory I would like to see.  People are getting hurt, because they are giving into temptation or others are giving into temptation.   I hate conflict and in my perfect world we would all get along at all times and no one would ever feel pain or defeat.   However, in real life there is evil and if we don't put up a fight agaisnt it - Evil will win and much damage will be done.    Satan HATES us and wants to destroy us and everything good.    Pretending He does not exist is not a great battle plan.   Jesus is going to win which is great info to have ahead of time, but that does not mean we can just wait around for that to happen.   We are partners with God and he wants us to fight with Him. 

 I was listening to "Courageous" the new song by Casting Crowns today.   ( You gotta love Mark's boss who gave him a $100 gift certificate for the Bible book store for Christmas. Then Mark took us all and let us all pick something out. What fun!!! I got the new Casting Crowns CD.)  It was very inspiring and I was feeling ready to fight!  I want to spread around God's love and I am excited about the possibility of making a difference.  Another good song to rally the troups is Brave by Nicole Nordmen.

I gotta go and fill some stockings.   Merry Christmas and Fight for God and Good!

  
 

Saturday 17 December 2011

I am a superhero!

Yesterday I actually made my gluten free muffins all by myself.  I am feeling the glow of accomplishment.  Not only that but I also MADE SUPPER!   Yes I have been reduced to rejoicing over these litte activities.   Me, Kristen Webb type A personality, who used to be able to .... actually I can't even remember the piles of things I used to be able to cross off my list in a day.  I guess its not so bad that I can be grateful for what I can get done even though it is so little.  That's better than being bummed out about my limitations lol. 

There is always good to be found in my day.  Wheather it's thanking God for the sun streaming in my window onto my bed or a great Christian song playing on the radio that makes my heart soar. (almost typed it sour which is what I might be if I didn't have God sustaining me)

Found out my dream job will not be available like I hoped but I gotta trust God for my future and as my friends keep pointing out I gotta focas on getting better and not stress about the future.  God said to me the other day: " You have enough information to know what to do.  So just do what is clear and don't stress about what is not yet. You do not have enough time to do anything more than what is clear anyway lol (yah I distinctly heard God say lol)"  With a leg that is not healing and  hurts to walk and a concussion that needs me to sleep most of the day and the night just to manage it, I don't have time for much but getting better.   So I would have to be dense to get what God and my friends are saying.  I GET IT  - stop worrying about the future and just look after my body today the best I can so it has a chance to heal.  My friends Mish and Becky will be so proud of me.   Why is this such a hard lesson?
    

Surprised by pain

I had my leg operated on Tuesday to take out some screws and I was thinking it would be no big deal but it resulted in a great deal of pain.  Usually right after I get operated on I am in the hospital where they have that awesome drug morphine but it was day surgery.  I already know that Perks don't work on my pain so this time they gave me Tylonol 3s.  What is it with my body and pain meds - The Tylonol 3s did not touch the pain but caused me to be unable to sleep for 2 days !!!  So we are back to Advil which works better than anything else and allows me to sleep.  The concussion symptoms were amplifed by the operation and so I was up to phase 4 where I can't think straight and do things like forget Mark's work number!  Even with the advil, the pain in my leg took my breath away.  So I have slept a lot this week and my concussion has calmed down and my leg pain is now bareable.   I am so grateful that I have the freedom to sleep while the kids are in school

Friday 9 December 2011

recalculating

Early this week I had two days when my headache was strangely absent.  This was so exciting! I started gearing up to maybe start looking for a job.  I got myself quite excited thinking of all the possiblities but then woke up the next day with a killer headache - the concussion was not over like I thought!  I was so disappointed.

Then I had an appointment with the surgen where I was expecting him to tell me that my leg is all healed nice and I could start riding horses again.  However, he looked at the exray and told me that my leg was not healing as quick as he thought it would.  He would have to operate again to loosen some screws to help it heal faster.   Another 6 weeks before I can ride or start looking for work.   I had an emotional meltdown and a self-pity party.  Then I prayed and asked God to help me be patient.   Like with GPS if you get lost it just recalculates a new route - God adjusted my attitude and I got back on track.  Trusting Him to be with me through this time and letting go of my dreams that are now delayed.  God is still good and He will not leave me so I am going to be OK
  

Saturday 3 December 2011

Live within your limits

Earlier this week I had a day where I did drastically more than normal, which does not take much.  Normal is getting the kids to school, sleeping until they come home, making dinner and hanging with my family till 10:00 and then hitting the hay to sleep all night.  If they had an olympic event for sleeping I would so kick butt!   Needing crazy amounts of sleep is par for the course when you have a concussion.  

I am surprised that I lasted for two months before I snapped and just had to get things done or go crazy.  Accomplishing so much more than normal, put me on such I high that I decided to not just be productive for one day, but to try it for 3.  Now don't get me wrong I physically was not feeling good but it was so outweighed by the ecstasy of accomplishment that I could not stop myself.  Well, actually I could have stopped myself; I just choose not to.  I could feel God telling me that this was not a good idea but I didn't listen to Him.  

Now, three days living in productive land, has produced a wicked headache (I just want to cut part of my head off to make it stop hurting), and a leg that aches even when I am resting.  Also, the ecstasy has been replaced with confusion, despair, irritability and that lovely overwhelmed feeling .  I  have learned my lesson, and tommorow I am starting back at the sleep-lots-routine and will just have to accept not being very productive.   I know that my worth is not based on how much I accomplish.   Jesus loves me unconditionally even when I get nothing done but healing.   In fact he is more pleased with me when I listen to Him, and be like that lamb: relaxing all curled up and cosy. 

Wednesday 30 November 2011

The Door of Faith in Jesus

Now it just sounds so easy - God says He can help my emotions supernaturally and then He does.  This has been a journey - a long long journey.  Back when I was a teenager my mom was in a serious car accident and it shook my faith.  I was mad at God for letting it happen, hurt and confused.  My mom lived but due to the massive head injury she changed her personality and we had to look after her for a while.  I got stuck wishing that it never happened and wanting life to go back to the way it used to be.  I doubted God's goodness and wondered if He loved me or just liked to see me struggle.

I had a full on nervous breakdown and eventually had to take medicine for a chemical imbalance.  I did not want to take medicine but now I am glad I did because before the meds I spent about 90% of my emotional energy just trying to get level.  I felt emotionally horrible even when life was going well and fought so hard to not to spew that horriblness on everyone around me.  With the meds I start off feeling level or normal and that's a very nice place to be.   

Fast forward to now when I am the mom and I have a teenager of my own.  I have been working on my trust issues with the help of my friends and Connie Giroux at my church and it is a whole different world!  Now when bad things happen - like getting run over by a truck, or being diagnosed with ulcerative colitus, or having two concussions in a year, I don't rail agaisnt God, I run to Him.   I hold on to the truth that He is Good and He does love me very much in the midst of the yuck.  This change in outlook is like going through a door into a whole different world.  The circumstances are still awful but I can handle them - even thrive in them.  Faith changes everything. 

I live with hope, expecting God to make good come of my life.  I don't deny that what I am experiencing sucks and it is less then optimal.  I acknowledge that, and I greive the losses and disappointments.  However, I know God will meet my needs through others and just through Himself and so I can skip the worry.  Feeling safe like a little lamb in God's arms is such a great feeling, such a relief.   I don't have to wait until I can walk without crutches, or find a new job, or am symptom free from headaches to find emotional relief.  God is good and He does love me!    

Tuesday 29 November 2011

The Truck

Just sitting reflecting on the day a  few months ago when I was hit by a truck while crossing the road. The first thing that crossed my mind was "Crap I'm not gonna get much done if I hurt myself."  I am such a task oriented person.  The next thing that I thought was: " Legs should not dangle from mid Femur, I think I might of broke it!"  I did break it - right in half.  I had to stay in the hospital for 5 days and let me just say: "Morphine rocks!"  But once out, without the heavy duty pain killers, life took on a nasty flavour.  Not because of the pain of the leg but the emotional fallout from everthing I had gone through.   Personally I would rather have the pain of the broken leg than deal with depression, hopelessness, fear, and irritability.  I had been in that place before and so panic rose up in my heart.

 I write down my thoughts in a journal and then ask God for answers and scribe what he tells me.   I had done this in the hospital when I was still feeling no pain and so I opened my journal to that page.  This is what he had said: " Hold onto me and don't worry and I will work it all out.  Don't despair for I will supply your needs and satisfy your soul.  Rest like a little lamb and relax in me.  Lift up your concerns to me and I will enable you.  Don't fear the feelings for they are no match for my supernatural power"    I prayed about it, my trust expanding because it was so relevant and miraculous for Him to say this days before I needed to hear it.  He did calm my emotions supernaturally - what a rush.