A had an old friend comment that she does not beleive in God because she could not find any proof of His existance.  That got me thinking about what proof I have that there is a God and that He loves me.  I have done tons of research about Jesus being the son of God, the Bible being an accurate document and creation making more logical sense than evolution.  My brain has found more than enough reason to believe in the God of the Bible.  We certainly do not need to check our intellect at the door, to believe in Jesus Christ as the savior or the world. 

But it is not just my brain that believes in God it is my heart and emotions too.  I have been struggling with the fall out of getting hit by a truck for more than a year and a half now.  I am still having headaches and my leg still hurts often.   I may never get completely better.  Also I have found out that my daughter with down syndrome will not be able to talk even though we have been working with her for years in the hopes that she would speak one day.  You would think that I would be pretty bummed out and discouraged.  However it not just me dealing with all of this - I have a supernatural God who has not left me alone!  In the past when bad stuff happened I would start to doubt that God really is alive and that He loved me. 

This round of trials my faith has grown to the point that in the midst of it I still believe that God is real and that He does still love me.  I have expected Him to make good come out of it and trusted Him to help me through.  The results from this different attitude of faith have been amazing!!!  I have experienced joy and peace and have learned so much this last year and a bit.  God is good and He can transform the bad and ugly into awesome. 

Take last week for example.  We had a great holiday with our kids.  We were on our way home and our truck stopped working.  We managed to pull into a hotel and someone pushed us into a parking space out of the traffic flow.  I prayed that it would be an easy, cheap fix and we booked into the hotel.  Once we head home our whole family tends to be very focased on getting there are quick as possible.  We don't even drink so that we can stop less for the bathroom!  We were all heartbrocken about having to stay longer in Georgia.  It was Saturday so we could not even get the truck looked until Monday. 

The whole family was really upset but after wallowing a bit  in the depression I remembered to pray that God will help us and help make this a good experience:  a supernatural experience.  We started to try to try to find the good in the situation.  We had broke down in a town instead of on the freeway and even rolled into a hotel that was in our budget (which was limited).  We were also in walking distance of a variety of restaurants and a walmart.  So we thanked God for all of that and prayed He would help us have a fun time and that we would let go of our desire to get home immediately.  We found some cool stuff to watch on TV and bought some cards to play.  We had a great time - even the kids.   God gave us joy and patience and peace.  This kids did not complain and whine which is something we have been working on for years.  That is supernatural -kids in a bad situation being about to look on the good side!!  Our hotel was sketchy and did not have a pool but they experienced God's joy in the midst of it all.

We found out our transmission was toast and that they had to put a new one in.  I was tempted to freakout as that is not in the budget.  But then I remembered that God told me I could trust Him for money stuff.  Once I trusted Him the panic subsided and peace came back. Trust rocks compared to worry!  They did it as quick as possible and we got on the road at 4:00 in the afternoon Tuesday.  Praising God that we could finally get home and thankful for the good family fun we had while waiting.  I am so glad that I have kept pursing God and working at trusting Him even when it was not easy for all these years.  It has sure paid off!  The ability to have peace and joy despite the  circumstances is the best thing I have learned and the gift I am most thankful for to God.  Once I got over the fixation on feeling that God could only answer my prayers by fixing the actual problem I  realized that He can also answer my prayers by changing my response to the problems! 

Sabbath not a guilty Question Mark Anymore

At our church they have been talking about the sabbath.  This concept has confused me for my whole life.   I think I am finally getting it.  God wants us to participate in one day off a week because He loves us - not because he wants us to jump through his hoops and add another things to our list of "shoulds".  Its a matter of faith in God - that even if I take a day off the important stuff will still get done because God is able and I am not God.  It is such a relief to just take a day off to relax and learn more about God.  It feels like I am a dry patch of land and the Sabbath is like rain.  It feels so good!   I wonder how many people are sick in body or mind because they are not getting that break in their week?   I am not going to be one of them anymore - Im taking a Sabbath from now on.

surprise! you are in the middle of a war

My oldest daughters are terrified of spiders and there was a sighting on the upstairs ceiling this afternoon.  Mark said he would pay them $1 to go up and kill it themselves.  Addison went up because although she is scared of spiders, she really likes money.  The war was on!  She needed help so she called in Megan as back up.   There was yelling and screaming and some how they lost the spider in question.   Bedtime was approaching and neither would go upstairs, so Mark told them that he would kill it, if they both paid him $5.  They were willing to pay the price so up he went.  We could hear him downstairs saying things like " Oh look at the cute little fellow, and making kissing noises".  He brought it downstairs and Megan locked her self in the bathroom but Addison came over to see the little guy and she decided that he was cute and then didn't want to kill him lol.  But Megan would not come out unless we had a DEAD spider to show her so spidy lost his life.  Mark has decided that the girls are afraid because they do not have enough information so this holiday they are going to capture and study various spiders.  Which is better than his first idea: to all watch aracnophopia.

It is Christmas eve and I am thinking about cheerful stuff like the battle between good and evil.   Lately It seems like those on God's side are not experiencing the overwhelming victory I would like to see.  People are getting hurt, because they are giving into temptation or others are giving into temptation.   I hate conflict and in my perfect world we would all get along at all times and no one would ever feel pain or defeat.   However, in real life there is evil and if we don't put up a fight agaisnt it - Evil will win and much damage will be done.    Satan HATES us and wants to destroy us and everything good.    Pretending He does not exist is not a great battle plan.   Jesus is going to win which is great info to have ahead of time, but that does not mean we can just wait around for that to happen.   We are partners with God and he wants us to fight with Him. 

 I was listening to "Courageous" the new song by Casting Crowns today.   ( You gotta love Mark's boss who gave him a $100 gift certificate for the Bible book store for Christmas. Then Mark took us all and let us all pick something out. What fun!!! I got the new Casting Crowns CD.)  It was very inspiring and I was feeling ready to fight!  I want to spread around God's love and I am excited about the possibility of making a difference.  Another good song to rally the troups is Brave by Nicole Nordmen.

I gotta go and fill some stockings.   Merry Christmas and Fight for God and Good!

  
 

I am a superhero!

Yesterday I actually made my gluten free muffins all by myself.  I am feeling the glow of accomplishment.  Not only that but I also MADE SUPPER!   Yes I have been reduced to rejoicing over these litte activities.   Me, Kristen Webb type A personality, who used to be able to .... actually I can't even remember the piles of things I used to be able to cross off my list in a day.  I guess its not so bad that I can be grateful for what I can get done even though it is so little.  That's better than being bummed out about my limitations lol. 

There is always good to be found in my day.  Wheather it's thanking God for the sun streaming in my window onto my bed or a great Christian song playing on the radio that makes my heart soar. (almost typed it sour which is what I might be if I didn't have God sustaining me)

Found out my dream job will not be available like I hoped but I gotta trust God for my future and as my friends keep pointing out I gotta focas on getting better and not stress about the future.  God said to me the other day: " You have enough information to know what to do.  So just do what is clear and don't stress about what is not yet. You do not have enough time to do anything more than what is clear anyway lol (yah I distinctly heard God say lol)"  With a leg that is not healing and  hurts to walk and a concussion that needs me to sleep most of the day and the night just to manage it, I don't have time for much but getting better.   So I would have to be dense to get what God and my friends are saying.  I GET IT  - stop worrying about the future and just look after my body today the best I can so it has a chance to heal.  My friends Mish and Becky will be so proud of me.   Why is this such a hard lesson?
    

Surprised by pain

I had my leg operated on Tuesday to take out some screws and I was thinking it would be no big deal but it resulted in a great deal of pain.  Usually right after I get operated on I am in the hospital where they have that awesome drug morphine but it was day surgery.  I already know that Perks don't work on my pain so this time they gave me Tylonol 3s.  What is it with my body and pain meds - The Tylonol 3s did not touch the pain but caused me to be unable to sleep for 2 days !!!  So we are back to Advil which works better than anything else and allows me to sleep.  The concussion symptoms were amplifed by the operation and so I was up to phase 4 where I can't think straight and do things like forget Mark's work number!  Even with the advil, the pain in my leg took my breath away.  So I have slept a lot this week and my concussion has calmed down and my leg pain is now bareable.   I am so grateful that I have the freedom to sleep while the kids are in school

recalculating

Early this week I had two days when my headache was strangely absent.  This was so exciting! I started gearing up to maybe start looking for a job.  I got myself quite excited thinking of all the possiblities but then woke up the next day with a killer headache - the concussion was not over like I thought!  I was so disappointed.

Then I had an appointment with the surgen where I was expecting him to tell me that my leg is all healed nice and I could start riding horses again.  However, he looked at the exray and told me that my leg was not healing as quick as he thought it would.  He would have to operate again to loosen some screws to help it heal faster.   Another 6 weeks before I can ride or start looking for work.   I had an emotional meltdown and a self-pity party.  Then I prayed and asked God to help me be patient.   Like with GPS if you get lost it just recalculates a new route - God adjusted my attitude and I got back on track.  Trusting Him to be with me through this time and letting go of my dreams that are now delayed.  God is still good and He will not leave me so I am going to be OK
  

Live within your limits

Earlier this week I had a day where I did drastically more than normal, which does not take much.  Normal is getting the kids to school, sleeping until they come home, making dinner and hanging with my family till 10:00 and then hitting the hay to sleep all night.  If they had an olympic event for sleeping I would so kick butt!   Needing crazy amounts of sleep is par for the course when you have a concussion.  

I am surprised that I lasted for two months before I snapped and just had to get things done or go crazy.  Accomplishing so much more than normal, put me on such I high that I decided to not just be productive for one day, but to try it for 3.  Now don't get me wrong I physically was not feeling good but it was so outweighed by the ecstasy of accomplishment that I could not stop myself.  Well, actually I could have stopped myself; I just choose not to.  I could feel God telling me that this was not a good idea but I didn't listen to Him.  

Now, three days living in productive land, has produced a wicked headache (I just want to cut part of my head off to make it stop hurting), and a leg that aches even when I am resting.  Also, the ecstasy has been replaced with confusion, despair, irritability and that lovely overwhelmed feeling .  I  have learned my lesson, and tommorow I am starting back at the sleep-lots-routine and will just have to accept not being very productive.   I know that my worth is not based on how much I accomplish.   Jesus loves me unconditionally even when I get nothing done but healing.   In fact he is more pleased with me when I listen to Him, and be like that lamb: relaxing all curled up and cosy.