OK so I've got my guidelines of healthy, common sense, eating set and I am trying to live by them. On one hand it is very freeing. The struggle to determine what I should and should not eat was taking up a lot of emotional energy. Also I can avoid the guilt and other fall out feelings, that happened when I would rationalise my way into eating things I was unsure of. Now when faced with a food decision I can determine if it fits into my healthy eating parameters easily. I can avoid doing damaging things like eating too much gluten or sugar, or eating when I am already full. I also have been making sure I eat small meals often and making sure I have regular protein so that I do not mess up my blood sugar and hypoglycemia. This has had the happy result of me feeling much better physically. It is very nice to not feel sick or dizzy, or that yukky feeling when you overeat and feel uncomfortable. These have been very good things that I am praising God for. However, there are still some foods that though they are not within my healthy eating limits: I crave hard core. It has been hard emotionally to say no to these things. If I am not going to get to eat them I feel a desperation and fear. I also have realised that I feel I deserve and need the treats. Somehow in my brain I have tied treats to celebrations, rewards, or the way to cheer up if I am having a bad day. If I attempt to do any of these things without treats it just feels very wrong. My mind really believes that the excessive treats will make me happy and inversely that if I do not get the treats I will become depressed. This is a very scary thought for someone who already struggles with depression and anxiety.
For instance, I attended my daughters public speaking contest, which was hard for me because it gives me concussion symptoms of a headache and anxiety. When it was done, and while they were calculating who won, they provided mounds of donuts, sweet soft donuts! Donuts were not within my healthy eating parameters for that day as I had my one gluten choice for the week. Because I had determined clear guidelines I knew that if I was to obey God and stay on the healthy eating wagon I need to not have a donut. But everyone around me was eating them and that was not fair. I deserved one as much as any of them. The apple I had wisely brought to eat as a healthy option was tasting like dust in my mouth. I felt like I needed to celebrate with my daughter because she did a good job on her speech. I also felt I deserved a reward for making it through and enduring a headache. It was crazy how powerful and painful my emotional need for that donut was. My apple was not working as well as I thought it would in this fight against sugar and fat but I had another weapon in my arsenal. This week in the Bible study- Made to Crave, I had learned about how my thoughts can be based on lies. The idea that I needed that donut or that I could not celebrate without a treat - that idea is a lie. Also the idea that I could not reward myself without sugar or that if I denied myself sugar I would fall into a depression also were lies. That donut was not my only option to find joy or peace. Part of my brain still has trouble and believes these things are true, but the truth is That God is my source of joy and peace and He can enable me to celebrate and reward myself without food. He a big Awesome God, and He is not limited to food as His only go-to option to make me happy. This is still very hard for me to absorb though. I struggle with depression and have been using food as my go-to option for years. This is a habit, like a drug habit, or a smoking habit and I feel such crazy pull to the donut. I feel life will not be worth living if I do not get that donut.
But in Bible study I learned not only to distinguish the lies, but to fight them with the truth found in scripture. I had already found a scripture in Proverbs to fight the particular lies that I was being faced with right now. My scripture was Proverbs 16:20 and it says "He who deals wisely and heeds God's word and counsel shall find good, and whoever leans on, trusts in and is confident in the Lord - happy blessed and fortunate is He." The path to true good and happiness is not found in disobeying God but in following the guidelines He had already given me about what food was wise for me to eat. Also I realised that maybe all along, the donuts in my life had not filled me with the lasting joy and happiness I was looking for. The donut would give me a few seconds of bliss while it was in my mouth but then it would make me sick for a few hours because I am allergic to gluten and sugar. This is why God has given me the guideline to avoid gluten and sugar. Also one donut would not really be enough. I would be frustrated and wanting more instead of satisfied and experiencing peace. The idea that huge amounts of sugar and fat is my go-to for instant happiness is the lie. The truth is that God is my go-to for all happiness and peace and that trying to make other things that, just leads to addiction and despair. I was made to crave God, and if I replace my craving with anything other than God, including food, it results in this whole struggle I find myself in now with the donut.
To get out of this vortex of craving food and then crashing over food that is not good for me, I am going to need some serious power. Serious power is exactly what God has huge amounts of and a food addiction is no match for God almighty. However, if I attempt to overcome this without God I am beat before I even begin, as my vast past failures attest to. I need God. I need to stay close to God! I need God to teach me how to meet my need for happiness and peace through God approved ways. When I put food above God in my life it does not give me that happiness and peace. I am running after a lie and the result is sickness, guilt, and frustration all in exchange for a few seconds of chewing! So I leaned on God and He enabled me to say no to the donut. Actually I had to say no to the donut about 21 times before I finally was able to get out of the donut infested building. I still craved the donut and it did make part of me unhappy to not be able to put it in my mouth, but my spirit was exhilarated. This is not a quick fix: God is going to have to completely re program how I think. I am going to have to keep at replacing the lies with truth. I am going to have to learn to crave God first, and look to Him to meet my needs instead of food. I have a lifetime of attempting to get my satisfaction and peace out of what I eat. Even though it has not worked so far, part of me still wants to cling to the lie and try that donut one more time. So I now have my truth scripture from Proverbs 16:20 on a cue card and my goal is to memorise it. To get the truth deep in my heart, and from now on to face every treat with God as my help and the truth as my weapon.
Sunday, 8 February 2015
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
Hopeless to Healthy - food
So my issues with food are not going to be a quick fix. I thought that once I finally nailed down my guidelines after being wishy-washy for years, that I would immediately soar to victory. Not quite the case in real life. First of all, nailing down my guidelines was more difficult than I expected.
How do you figure out what is a healthy diet? Because of some OCD tendencies, or maybe perfectionism, or maybe just being a girl I have some food baggage from my past. This baggage was not something I had been able to get over by myself so I was going to need God's help to revisit my issues. I prayed for wisdom and strength and gave the whole confusing mangled food mess in my mind to God. Like pulling a band aid off fast, God revealed my first issue clearly as perfectionism. God really is the ultimate counsellor and it is so neat that he can supernaturally reveal relevant stuff in your head. My first problem was I had not been in pursuit of a healthy diet but the perfect diet, free from all errors and all imperfect food. This was not a reasonable or even doable goal. My first clue should have been when I went to the food experts to find the perfect foods and they couldn't agree for two minutes about what was good and what was bad. Furthermore various experts have something bad to say about most foods, disqualifying pretty much all food known to man from being a perfect choice. No wonder I was frustrated and stressed out, there was no way I could succeed at the perfect diet - I was already set up to fail! For instance, if I ate a salad but had salad dressing on it: I felt bad about the salad dressing because it is not a perfectly good food. If I was really being a successful dieter I would have salad without the dressing. But seriously that is not even worth eating! Every time I ate something questionable (all food known to man) my anxiety level would go through the roof! I was a mess emotionally and that just made me want to each large quantities of the kind of food all \ all the experts agreed was really bad for me. I got overwhelmed and decide to not make any firm guidelines, but I still felt bad about just about everything I put in my mouth. I know God wants me to establish what healthy eating is for me and I can see now that I have to get over trying to do it perfectly.
I think I am also easily overwhelmed because my food choices are already limited by allergies and sensitivities. I was feeling sick all the time a few years ago and went to a naturopath who did a blood test to determine what food I am sensitive to. Her tests showed I needed to pretty much avoid wheat and lima beans and limit my intake of eggs, sugar, unprocessed milk, and almonds. The Lima beans I have not had any trouble living without but I consume way too much of the other stuff on a regular basis. Because I have been distracted by finding the perfect diet I have not had the energy to limit these things I already know I should avoid. I should not have wheat more than once a week and only small amounts of eggs, sugar, milk and almonds but I have been avoiding making this a firm guideline. I feel sick when I cheat on this stuff but I still have been binging on it. But no more! I solemnly declare to everyone who is listening that I will only have wheat once a week and only very small amounts of eggs, sugar, milk and almonds. I will not binge or eat a whole package of chocolate chip cookies by myself. I also have been not looking after my hypoglycemia. This is a clear medical condition and is easily managed. I need to make eating smaller portions often and combining sugars and starches with protein a clear guideline in my healthy eating to avoid feeling sick and dizzy. So shall it be! I know though that this is easier said than done so I pray that God will be my strength and I admit I need His help.
OK so avoiding some foods is clear from a medical standpoint but what about the vast number of other foods that the experts disagree about. My strategy to avoid all imperfect foods has not been working so what should I do to find healing? Some wise women at the study Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, suggested I try balance instead of extremes like perfectionism. I need to let go of trying to do it perfectly and seek God to find a way to do it balanced. I should not worry about what the dulling experts disagree about, just look at the basics they all agree on. Also I need to get up to date information on what is healthy eating. My mind has achieved every food that any nutritionist has ever questioned and I am still avoiding them, when some they have decided are not questionable anymore. Perfect food is a myth and the reality is that most food has some good qualities and some not so good. The balance is to eat the nourishing food that has lots of good in it and only small amounts of unhealthy content. A little bit of fat in the dressing does not disqualify salad from being a good choice. I need to measure my success by eating healthy not by eating perfectly. Now in being balanced I also need to avoid or limit to very small portions, any food that does not have much healthy content. My diet is not an epic fail if I have salad dressing on my salad but eating a whole box of turtles is not success either. I can rejoice in all the good the greens give me and rejoice that I am not having a dangerous amount of fat but a balanced amount in the dressing. I can look to the Canada food guide for the specifics to find a starting point of balanced healthy eating. Then I can celebrate each food victory each time I make a healthy choice. Give myself some food "Grace" and stop being a tyrant to myself. This is especially important because my choices are already limited by my sensitivities. . I need to get creative finding healthy options that I can eat to replace the things in my diet that I can't have and not feel bad if these options are not perfect, but rejoice in the good parts of them.
How do you figure out what is a healthy diet? Because of some OCD tendencies, or maybe perfectionism, or maybe just being a girl I have some food baggage from my past. This baggage was not something I had been able to get over by myself so I was going to need God's help to revisit my issues. I prayed for wisdom and strength and gave the whole confusing mangled food mess in my mind to God. Like pulling a band aid off fast, God revealed my first issue clearly as perfectionism. God really is the ultimate counsellor and it is so neat that he can supernaturally reveal relevant stuff in your head. My first problem was I had not been in pursuit of a healthy diet but the perfect diet, free from all errors and all imperfect food. This was not a reasonable or even doable goal. My first clue should have been when I went to the food experts to find the perfect foods and they couldn't agree for two minutes about what was good and what was bad. Furthermore various experts have something bad to say about most foods, disqualifying pretty much all food known to man from being a perfect choice. No wonder I was frustrated and stressed out, there was no way I could succeed at the perfect diet - I was already set up to fail! For instance, if I ate a salad but had salad dressing on it: I felt bad about the salad dressing because it is not a perfectly good food. If I was really being a successful dieter I would have salad without the dressing. But seriously that is not even worth eating! Every time I ate something questionable (all food known to man) my anxiety level would go through the roof! I was a mess emotionally and that just made me want to each large quantities of the kind of food all \ all the experts agreed was really bad for me. I got overwhelmed and decide to not make any firm guidelines, but I still felt bad about just about everything I put in my mouth. I know God wants me to establish what healthy eating is for me and I can see now that I have to get over trying to do it perfectly.
I think I am also easily overwhelmed because my food choices are already limited by allergies and sensitivities. I was feeling sick all the time a few years ago and went to a naturopath who did a blood test to determine what food I am sensitive to. Her tests showed I needed to pretty much avoid wheat and lima beans and limit my intake of eggs, sugar, unprocessed milk, and almonds. The Lima beans I have not had any trouble living without but I consume way too much of the other stuff on a regular basis. Because I have been distracted by finding the perfect diet I have not had the energy to limit these things I already know I should avoid. I should not have wheat more than once a week and only small amounts of eggs, sugar, milk and almonds but I have been avoiding making this a firm guideline. I feel sick when I cheat on this stuff but I still have been binging on it. But no more! I solemnly declare to everyone who is listening that I will only have wheat once a week and only very small amounts of eggs, sugar, milk and almonds. I will not binge or eat a whole package of chocolate chip cookies by myself. I also have been not looking after my hypoglycemia. This is a clear medical condition and is easily managed. I need to make eating smaller portions often and combining sugars and starches with protein a clear guideline in my healthy eating to avoid feeling sick and dizzy. So shall it be! I know though that this is easier said than done so I pray that God will be my strength and I admit I need His help.
OK so avoiding some foods is clear from a medical standpoint but what about the vast number of other foods that the experts disagree about. My strategy to avoid all imperfect foods has not been working so what should I do to find healing? Some wise women at the study Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, suggested I try balance instead of extremes like perfectionism. I need to let go of trying to do it perfectly and seek God to find a way to do it balanced. I should not worry about what the dulling experts disagree about, just look at the basics they all agree on. Also I need to get up to date information on what is healthy eating. My mind has achieved every food that any nutritionist has ever questioned and I am still avoiding them, when some they have decided are not questionable anymore. Perfect food is a myth and the reality is that most food has some good qualities and some not so good. The balance is to eat the nourishing food that has lots of good in it and only small amounts of unhealthy content. A little bit of fat in the dressing does not disqualify salad from being a good choice. I need to measure my success by eating healthy not by eating perfectly. Now in being balanced I also need to avoid or limit to very small portions, any food that does not have much healthy content. My diet is not an epic fail if I have salad dressing on my salad but eating a whole box of turtles is not success either. I can rejoice in all the good the greens give me and rejoice that I am not having a dangerous amount of fat but a balanced amount in the dressing. I can look to the Canada food guide for the specifics to find a starting point of balanced healthy eating. Then I can celebrate each food victory each time I make a healthy choice. Give myself some food "Grace" and stop being a tyrant to myself. This is especially important because my choices are already limited by my sensitivities. . I need to get creative finding healthy options that I can eat to replace the things in my diet that I can't have and not feel bad if these options are not perfect, but rejoice in the good parts of them.
Sunday, 1 February 2015
Free from Food? AHHHHHHHH ! - food
I have issues with food. Even my kids tell me on a regular basis, "mom you have a problem!", usually after I ate half a pie or their share of something. Until recently I just shrugged it off and did not worry too much about it, feeling it was an endearing quality. If there is a acceptable problem for a Christian to have it is eating and I thought it was not really impacting my faith. But more than that I felt as a "good Christian" there were so many things I gave up like not getting drunk or sleeping with men besides my husband that there should be something that I could indulge in. Food seemed pretty safe and so I just let myself go in the food department. Now I did not admit this to anyone especially myself. But I took a Bible study at my church called "made to crave" by Lysa Terkeurst and God has used it powerfully to open my eyes.
I would have to classify my previous limits about food as wishy washy. I never really nailed down my goals or aspirations but kept them vague. I think i did this so that I did not have to feel compelled to actually follow any "rules". If you do not set the bar at a particular height then you don't have to feel bad about not reaching the bar. But the funny thing is that the indecisiveness I used to protect me from failing caused me huge amounts of anxiety. Here's what it looked like in my real life. I would eat a cookie and immediately feel bad because a cookie was "cheating". I am not only sensitive to sugar because I have hypoglycemia but I am very allergic to wheat which is the second ingredient in cookies after sugar! But despite those realities I somehow convinced myself that it is OK to have cookies. Now I did not do a good job of convincing myself and so I still had that deep down unrest when I ate anything that was not perfectly good for me. But one cookie is just the start of the food drama that overshadows my life. One cookie does not satisfy me but just makes me want more cookies. Since I do not have any set limits it is fairly easy to convince myself that it is OK to have more cookies but again I suck completely at fully convincing myself so that nagging anxiety and guilt deep down still exists. Two cookies are not enough for me, the second one makes me want more too, so number three finds its way into my mouth. Again though the uneasiness of compromise sucks the joy out the situation. When left unattended with cookies I have eaten 7 large ones including ones that were earmarked for my children. I have taken cookies out of the mouths of children! I have also eaten an entire tray of turtles - 12 right down the hatch. This does not bring joy to my life but I am driven by an all consuming need for food and I do not want to limit my indulgence so I didn't make clear limits. Eating like this makes me feel sick but I struggle to find ways to keep doing it. I thought the lack of limits would help me eat more cookies guilt free but this brilliant idea was not working.
This struggle is as old as the fall and I don't think I am alone in my pain. My eyes have been opened in taking this Bible study and I am starting to realise that the root of this problem is trust. I am afraid that if I give my food choices to God I will not get to eat all the fun indulgent things that I think will bring me happiness and satisfaction. Yes I am deluded, and still thinking that somehow the road to happiness is down the road of no limits, even though this has not worked in the past. I think Satan must be laughing at how his lies are so effective, that he has me unwilling to give up what is causing me immense misery. It all boils down to me wanting control and thinking I know how to do this food thing better than God. I am afraid that if I give my food choices to God he will hold out on me and limit my freedom. Like Eve in the garden, Satan lied to her, and as a result she was questioning God's goodness because he had limited her freedom and God had told her not to do something. I look like such a fool clutching to the food that is harming me not only physically but spiritually as well! I need to give this area to God completely and submit everything I put in my mouth to Him. Everything!!!! This also means figuring out what are healthy food choices for me and what are not, by asking God for wisdom. This out of control cookie monster needs some clear limits. Anytime God asks us to yield something to Him he is not holding out on us: He wants to save us from the mess we end up in when we refuse to give him control! Not trusting God with my food is not an acceptable sin, its just a sin like any other. True freedom lies in giving this area to God not holding it from him .
Join me in the following weeks as I take this food adventure with God.
I would have to classify my previous limits about food as wishy washy. I never really nailed down my goals or aspirations but kept them vague. I think i did this so that I did not have to feel compelled to actually follow any "rules". If you do not set the bar at a particular height then you don't have to feel bad about not reaching the bar. But the funny thing is that the indecisiveness I used to protect me from failing caused me huge amounts of anxiety. Here's what it looked like in my real life. I would eat a cookie and immediately feel bad because a cookie was "cheating". I am not only sensitive to sugar because I have hypoglycemia but I am very allergic to wheat which is the second ingredient in cookies after sugar! But despite those realities I somehow convinced myself that it is OK to have cookies. Now I did not do a good job of convincing myself and so I still had that deep down unrest when I ate anything that was not perfectly good for me. But one cookie is just the start of the food drama that overshadows my life. One cookie does not satisfy me but just makes me want more cookies. Since I do not have any set limits it is fairly easy to convince myself that it is OK to have more cookies but again I suck completely at fully convincing myself so that nagging anxiety and guilt deep down still exists. Two cookies are not enough for me, the second one makes me want more too, so number three finds its way into my mouth. Again though the uneasiness of compromise sucks the joy out the situation. When left unattended with cookies I have eaten 7 large ones including ones that were earmarked for my children. I have taken cookies out of the mouths of children! I have also eaten an entire tray of turtles - 12 right down the hatch. This does not bring joy to my life but I am driven by an all consuming need for food and I do not want to limit my indulgence so I didn't make clear limits. Eating like this makes me feel sick but I struggle to find ways to keep doing it. I thought the lack of limits would help me eat more cookies guilt free but this brilliant idea was not working.
This struggle is as old as the fall and I don't think I am alone in my pain. My eyes have been opened in taking this Bible study and I am starting to realise that the root of this problem is trust. I am afraid that if I give my food choices to God I will not get to eat all the fun indulgent things that I think will bring me happiness and satisfaction. Yes I am deluded, and still thinking that somehow the road to happiness is down the road of no limits, even though this has not worked in the past. I think Satan must be laughing at how his lies are so effective, that he has me unwilling to give up what is causing me immense misery. It all boils down to me wanting control and thinking I know how to do this food thing better than God. I am afraid that if I give my food choices to God he will hold out on me and limit my freedom. Like Eve in the garden, Satan lied to her, and as a result she was questioning God's goodness because he had limited her freedom and God had told her not to do something. I look like such a fool clutching to the food that is harming me not only physically but spiritually as well! I need to give this area to God completely and submit everything I put in my mouth to Him. Everything!!!! This also means figuring out what are healthy food choices for me and what are not, by asking God for wisdom. This out of control cookie monster needs some clear limits. Anytime God asks us to yield something to Him he is not holding out on us: He wants to save us from the mess we end up in when we refuse to give him control! Not trusting God with my food is not an acceptable sin, its just a sin like any other. True freedom lies in giving this area to God not holding it from him .
Join me in the following weeks as I take this food adventure with God.
Friday, 5 December 2014
Warning:The holidays without faith in Christ can be dangerous to your health
The Christmas season is a lot of peoples favourite time of year but for some it's far from pleasant. My friend works in retail, and the impatience and swearing that comes along with the Christmas season has already begun. Who knew that not being able to open an extra till because it is already closed for the day and having to go back to one of three lines that were open, would quickly unravel some customer's whole day. Two were so upset that they threw down their merchandise on the counter and swearing loudly stormed out of the store. This can definitely be a difficult time of year and my heart goes out to those who are suffering through it. This difficult time of Christmas originated with Jesus being born as a baby who ironically came to save us and help us through the difficult times in life. He is the reason for the season. However by leaving Jesus out of Christmas, the materialism, business and time spent with family can turn into more of a problem than a joyful celebration.
Jesus came to give us peace and joy and it is available to all who have a relationship with Him. . But many don't include a relationship with Jesus in their holidays festivities and that peace and joy is missing them completely. Jesus was born in a stable to bring peace and joy to all mankind but this "best gift ever" is only available to those who will accept it and open their hearts to Jesus. If someone gives you a gift but you don't take it or open it, you don't get to enjoy it or use it. So how do we receive and open this Christmas gift of Salvation from God? Receiving starts with us acknowledging that we sin and that our sin separates us from having a relationship with God. Jesus was born as a baby so that he could grow into a man who dealt with this sin problem by dying on the cross. Jesus was God come down to earth as a human and he did not sin at all while living on earth, so when he died on the cross that qualified him to be our substitute. This might make more sense if I get Canadian and use hockey to explain. If the goalie gets a penalty he does not serve the penalty in the box because he is the goalie. What happens is another team member sits in the box and serves the penalty for the goalie while the goalie stays in the net. Someone had to pay the price of our sin so that we could be reunited with God and that is what Jesus did on the cross: he sat in the penalty box for us and served our penalty. He served our time so that if we are sorry for our sin and commit to stop sinning we no longer need to be penalised for our sin but God wipes our slate clean and forgives us all our wrong. We can then begin a relationship with the God who created the universe. Besides asking for and receiving forgiveness for our sin we also start this relationship with God by humbly giving God ultimate control of our lives. Basically we yield ourselves completely to God and let Him be the boss. Once God has control of our lives he can direct them in such a better way than we directed them. Then He can lead us in the ways that bring us peace and joy and freedom. Our Christmas can be transformed into a good season.
Even those who have a relationship with Jesus can miss the peace and joy if they get caught up in the rushing and trails and excessive business of Christmas. Sometimes we do not actually give Jesus of all areas of our life but desperately clutch at control. We don't leave our concerns in His capable hands but ruminate in them, and our peace is quickly stolen away. Without trust in God, worry is free to grow unchecked and becomes a force to be reckoned with. Faith is like an umbrella to protect us from the rain of worry.
The continuous drip of worry has stolen so much joy from my life. I am not sure why I have been so reluctant to replace worry with faith? Maybe I did not notice how much worrying I actually do. About 3 months ago I prayed and asked God to heal the emotional part of me. It has been such a revealing journo since then. God has been showing me all the messed up things that happen in my brain and one of the main things is the actual extent of my worrying. I think on average I worry probably once every three minutes! My mind is so full of fear and concern it is no wonder I am on anti- depressants. I can't enjoy life because I am continually pouring toxic thoughts out of mind that poison my outlook on everything. I need AAA for worriers so I can stand up and say "Hi my name is Kristen Webb and I have a problem with worry" and then get help for my addiction. Good thing our church offers an emotional 12 step program and I am in it right now! It has pointed me in the right direction to find healing and freedom.
The prescription for healing is to take all your worries to God and drop them (actually let go) into God's capable hands. When you are tempted to take the worry back - trust God to handle the issues! Peacefully look to God for the solutions to all the problems in your life. I discovered that all my planning and scheming was not a really good solution to my troubles. Instead I give God that responsibility and confidently listen to his voice for the answers and then simply obey him and do what he suggests. This faith we put in God enables us to let go of the worry and fear and replace it with peace and confident expectation of solutions. The Bible says that God gives us beauty for ashes which sounds way to good to be true. That is exactly what God has done for me. As I give him the ashes of worry and fear he replaces it with the beauty of faith followed by peace. I needed to learn to trust God with my life because then even before the answer gets to you you can still have peace and joy while you wait :) This is a truly amazing way to live and more fun than when my mind was overrun with concern because I was tightly holding onto the control of my life.
Jesus came to give us peace and joy and it is available to all who have a relationship with Him. . But many don't include a relationship with Jesus in their holidays festivities and that peace and joy is missing them completely. Jesus was born in a stable to bring peace and joy to all mankind but this "best gift ever" is only available to those who will accept it and open their hearts to Jesus. If someone gives you a gift but you don't take it or open it, you don't get to enjoy it or use it. So how do we receive and open this Christmas gift of Salvation from God? Receiving starts with us acknowledging that we sin and that our sin separates us from having a relationship with God. Jesus was born as a baby so that he could grow into a man who dealt with this sin problem by dying on the cross. Jesus was God come down to earth as a human and he did not sin at all while living on earth, so when he died on the cross that qualified him to be our substitute. This might make more sense if I get Canadian and use hockey to explain. If the goalie gets a penalty he does not serve the penalty in the box because he is the goalie. What happens is another team member sits in the box and serves the penalty for the goalie while the goalie stays in the net. Someone had to pay the price of our sin so that we could be reunited with God and that is what Jesus did on the cross: he sat in the penalty box for us and served our penalty. He served our time so that if we are sorry for our sin and commit to stop sinning we no longer need to be penalised for our sin but God wipes our slate clean and forgives us all our wrong. We can then begin a relationship with the God who created the universe. Besides asking for and receiving forgiveness for our sin we also start this relationship with God by humbly giving God ultimate control of our lives. Basically we yield ourselves completely to God and let Him be the boss. Once God has control of our lives he can direct them in such a better way than we directed them. Then He can lead us in the ways that bring us peace and joy and freedom. Our Christmas can be transformed into a good season.
Even those who have a relationship with Jesus can miss the peace and joy if they get caught up in the rushing and trails and excessive business of Christmas. Sometimes we do not actually give Jesus of all areas of our life but desperately clutch at control. We don't leave our concerns in His capable hands but ruminate in them, and our peace is quickly stolen away. Without trust in God, worry is free to grow unchecked and becomes a force to be reckoned with. Faith is like an umbrella to protect us from the rain of worry.
The continuous drip of worry has stolen so much joy from my life. I am not sure why I have been so reluctant to replace worry with faith? Maybe I did not notice how much worrying I actually do. About 3 months ago I prayed and asked God to heal the emotional part of me. It has been such a revealing journo since then. God has been showing me all the messed up things that happen in my brain and one of the main things is the actual extent of my worrying. I think on average I worry probably once every three minutes! My mind is so full of fear and concern it is no wonder I am on anti- depressants. I can't enjoy life because I am continually pouring toxic thoughts out of mind that poison my outlook on everything. I need AAA for worriers so I can stand up and say "Hi my name is Kristen Webb and I have a problem with worry" and then get help for my addiction. Good thing our church offers an emotional 12 step program and I am in it right now! It has pointed me in the right direction to find healing and freedom.
The prescription for healing is to take all your worries to God and drop them (actually let go) into God's capable hands. When you are tempted to take the worry back - trust God to handle the issues! Peacefully look to God for the solutions to all the problems in your life. I discovered that all my planning and scheming was not a really good solution to my troubles. Instead I give God that responsibility and confidently listen to his voice for the answers and then simply obey him and do what he suggests. This faith we put in God enables us to let go of the worry and fear and replace it with peace and confident expectation of solutions. The Bible says that God gives us beauty for ashes which sounds way to good to be true. That is exactly what God has done for me. As I give him the ashes of worry and fear he replaces it with the beauty of faith followed by peace. I needed to learn to trust God with my life because then even before the answer gets to you you can still have peace and joy while you wait :) This is a truly amazing way to live and more fun than when my mind was overrun with concern because I was tightly holding onto the control of my life.
Saturday, 25 October 2014
My Giants have fur
On October 12 Our pastor spoke on Lessons in Conquest from Joshua 10 to 12. It so related to my life! I have had an particular issue that I have been struggling with for 10 years. I just never seem to have victory over it. It is a bizarre thing to struggle with. I am addicted to selling and buying horses. I am not sure why it gives me such a rush but I love doing it. It started because I have a very limited budget and very high expectations of what I want in a horse. Joshua had to face Giants but the giants I face have fur. Looking back I can see why I struggled so long without victory. Basically even though I prayed about it I never really believed God could answer. My prayers were more of a fierce desperate wishing followed by worry and scheming. I still felt like it was a huge long shot that I would ever find the horse I was looking for. I did the opposite of Joshua who acted in faith, listened to God's voice, lived in partnership with God, and prayed with imagination.
I was not kidding when I said this was a long road of mistakes. The first horse I bought was pretty but very stubborn so I sold him and tried to get another horse that was closer to my wish list. But each horse I would get, after a little while, I would think that if I sold them I could trade up for something better. I did this in a frenzied fashion. I would look on kijiji and find something that was amazing that I just had to have. However I had to sell the horse I had first. I would list my horse and then wait not very patiently for it to sell. I would worry that the horse I had seen and wanted and really believed was the only horse for me, would sell before my horse sold. I am ashamed to say I did this roughly 10 times in 8 years. My husband was really grateful that I did not treat my men like my horses! I liked the rush of buying a new horse but then I would crash in depression when I would realise the horse I thought was perfect was far from it. Part of the problem was my expectations were completely unrealistic for the amount of money I had to work with. The expectations themselves were not based in reality but on my girlish dreams and further amplified by my perfectionist personality. Also I was not very logical when I was looking at a horse and in my desperate desire to finally find one that worked I would overlook serious problems.
The horse I bought last year was the worst mistake of them all. She was more money than any of the others and she was one. She had a problem with bucking when you get on - like you were in a rodeo. I need a safe horse because I have already fallen on my head too many times and I can't fall off again. This horse was my worst nightmare and the people I bought it from would not take it back. In the end I had to pretty much give it away. At this point I recognised that I had a problem and I really wanted to stop the cycle and just find a horse that was safe that I could keep for a long time. I also prayed about this and for the first time I really gave it to God and stopped worrying and stressing about it. God did not have much to work with because I had no money left for my next horse as I had lost it all on the night mare. God being all powerful and all knowing was not stressed by my request for a horse. In fact I think He was very relieved that I finally was giving it to Him. He started working on pulling the strings to bring me the right horse for me despite of myself.
There was a horse that I was boarding for someone else who wanted this horse to be shipped out to her in BC at the end of summer. She was an older white mare and did not catch my attention because usually I go for the flashy, crazy horses. Well, the owner decided that she was too old to ship such a long distance and decided to give her away to someone here. The owner asked me to try her out and then put an ad on kijiji and find her a new home. I tried her out and she was seriously the best horse I had ever ridden! To think she had been in my backyard all summer! She was so safe and obedient that I could ride her with my daughter who has Downs syndrome on as well. I was enjoying riding when I was on her and it was peaceful and soothing.
I had some reservations however because she was older and not the prettiest horse I have ever seen and usually buying young and pretty is high on my priority list. But I asked God what He wanted me to do. He impressed upon me that safety was the most important thing and having a horse I can trust. It was vain of me to only want good looking horses that others would admire. Who cares if others think the horse that just bucked you off is good looking! This time I was trying to live in partnership with God in regards to my horse search, instead of going off on my own schemes. Fear of getting the wrong horse again was at first overwhelming but as I wrestled with what horse to get I just keep praying and asking God to help. I did find that He eventually gave me freedom to act without fear right around the same time I finally got a hold of the idea that God administers all the resources of the land. Finding me a great horse was not a hard task for Him. Even helping me accept that what I originally wanted in a horse was not the best choice was not a hard task for him either!
So instead of living in fear and making a hasty decision I trusted God to meet my need and bring me a safe sane horse. It was pretty cool that He arranged for the horse that I was considering to not be available to anyone else until I made up my mind. I did not have to make a fast decision because no one else even knew she was available for free yet! So I rode the older white mare many times and she was excellent every time. She did not even spook at deer or partridges flying up in her face. I prayed that God would help me look past her age and outward appearance and He totally answered. She put on weight and looked much better and I started to really like her one blue eye. God pointed out that her age is what makes her so reliable and perfect for me because I am no spring chicken either. By the time I decided to keep her it was a "no brainer" because God had made it very clear to me that she was the one. I am still in awe about how He found me a free horse that was better than all the other ones I bought and sold through the years. Not only was the horse free but I did not even have to pay for trailering because she was already at my farm! The little amount I got for the night mare horse was just enough to get the vet out to look after my new horse's teeth and shots.
I have had her for 3 months now and I like her more every time I ride her. I am so thankful to God for ending my horse search and freeing me from my trading addiction. I do sometimes feel the same old urge to maybe upgrade and get a better horse but then I apologise to God and thank Him for the great horse I have. I ask Him to continue to help me be content with the horse He gave me and not be such a picky perfectionist. By the way, I called my new horse Eden and she is going to be part of my life for long time.
I was not kidding when I said this was a long road of mistakes. The first horse I bought was pretty but very stubborn so I sold him and tried to get another horse that was closer to my wish list. But each horse I would get, after a little while, I would think that if I sold them I could trade up for something better. I did this in a frenzied fashion. I would look on kijiji and find something that was amazing that I just had to have. However I had to sell the horse I had first. I would list my horse and then wait not very patiently for it to sell. I would worry that the horse I had seen and wanted and really believed was the only horse for me, would sell before my horse sold. I am ashamed to say I did this roughly 10 times in 8 years. My husband was really grateful that I did not treat my men like my horses! I liked the rush of buying a new horse but then I would crash in depression when I would realise the horse I thought was perfect was far from it. Part of the problem was my expectations were completely unrealistic for the amount of money I had to work with. The expectations themselves were not based in reality but on my girlish dreams and further amplified by my perfectionist personality. Also I was not very logical when I was looking at a horse and in my desperate desire to finally find one that worked I would overlook serious problems.
The horse I bought last year was the worst mistake of them all. She was more money than any of the others and she was one. She had a problem with bucking when you get on - like you were in a rodeo. I need a safe horse because I have already fallen on my head too many times and I can't fall off again. This horse was my worst nightmare and the people I bought it from would not take it back. In the end I had to pretty much give it away. At this point I recognised that I had a problem and I really wanted to stop the cycle and just find a horse that was safe that I could keep for a long time. I also prayed about this and for the first time I really gave it to God and stopped worrying and stressing about it. God did not have much to work with because I had no money left for my next horse as I had lost it all on the night mare. God being all powerful and all knowing was not stressed by my request for a horse. In fact I think He was very relieved that I finally was giving it to Him. He started working on pulling the strings to bring me the right horse for me despite of myself.
There was a horse that I was boarding for someone else who wanted this horse to be shipped out to her in BC at the end of summer. She was an older white mare and did not catch my attention because usually I go for the flashy, crazy horses. Well, the owner decided that she was too old to ship such a long distance and decided to give her away to someone here. The owner asked me to try her out and then put an ad on kijiji and find her a new home. I tried her out and she was seriously the best horse I had ever ridden! To think she had been in my backyard all summer! She was so safe and obedient that I could ride her with my daughter who has Downs syndrome on as well. I was enjoying riding when I was on her and it was peaceful and soothing.
I had some reservations however because she was older and not the prettiest horse I have ever seen and usually buying young and pretty is high on my priority list. But I asked God what He wanted me to do. He impressed upon me that safety was the most important thing and having a horse I can trust. It was vain of me to only want good looking horses that others would admire. Who cares if others think the horse that just bucked you off is good looking! This time I was trying to live in partnership with God in regards to my horse search, instead of going off on my own schemes. Fear of getting the wrong horse again was at first overwhelming but as I wrestled with what horse to get I just keep praying and asking God to help. I did find that He eventually gave me freedom to act without fear right around the same time I finally got a hold of the idea that God administers all the resources of the land. Finding me a great horse was not a hard task for Him. Even helping me accept that what I originally wanted in a horse was not the best choice was not a hard task for him either!
So instead of living in fear and making a hasty decision I trusted God to meet my need and bring me a safe sane horse. It was pretty cool that He arranged for the horse that I was considering to not be available to anyone else until I made up my mind. I did not have to make a fast decision because no one else even knew she was available for free yet! So I rode the older white mare many times and she was excellent every time. She did not even spook at deer or partridges flying up in her face. I prayed that God would help me look past her age and outward appearance and He totally answered. She put on weight and looked much better and I started to really like her one blue eye. God pointed out that her age is what makes her so reliable and perfect for me because I am no spring chicken either. By the time I decided to keep her it was a "no brainer" because God had made it very clear to me that she was the one. I am still in awe about how He found me a free horse that was better than all the other ones I bought and sold through the years. Not only was the horse free but I did not even have to pay for trailering because she was already at my farm! The little amount I got for the night mare horse was just enough to get the vet out to look after my new horse's teeth and shots.
I have had her for 3 months now and I like her more every time I ride her. I am so thankful to God for ending my horse search and freeing me from my trading addiction. I do sometimes feel the same old urge to maybe upgrade and get a better horse but then I apologise to God and thank Him for the great horse I have. I ask Him to continue to help me be content with the horse He gave me and not be such a picky perfectionist. By the way, I called my new horse Eden and she is going to be part of my life for long time.
Friday, 24 October 2014
Potluck and Praise
Last Sunday night I attended the pot luck and praise night at the church. While we were eating we were asked to discuss a question about if we had noticed God's hand in our lives.
God's hand prints are all over my life. In fact the very food I had been blissfully eating at the potluck portion of the evening was an answer to prayer! I am allergic to wheat and few other things like eggs, almonds and Lima Beans. I don't feel too bad about having to avoid lima beans but the wheat is really hard to miss out on. I was not looking forward to the pot luck as I imagined it would be a lot of dishes that looked fantastic and made my mouth water that I could not eat. It is torture to walk by yummy things that people have prepared and not put them on my plate. So before I went to the pot luck I prayed and ask God to help me with will power so that I would behave. When I got there I discovered there were other people who are also gluten free and they had brought yummy food! It is not half as hard to pass up gluten ladden dishes when there is lots of tasty stuff I can eat. Thank you God for enabling me to not only stay gluten free but gluten free and still happy because that is a big deal!
God's hand prints are all over my life. In fact the very food I had been blissfully eating at the potluck portion of the evening was an answer to prayer! I am allergic to wheat and few other things like eggs, almonds and Lima Beans. I don't feel too bad about having to avoid lima beans but the wheat is really hard to miss out on. I was not looking forward to the pot luck as I imagined it would be a lot of dishes that looked fantastic and made my mouth water that I could not eat. It is torture to walk by yummy things that people have prepared and not put them on my plate. So before I went to the pot luck I prayed and ask God to help me with will power so that I would behave. When I got there I discovered there were other people who are also gluten free and they had brought yummy food! It is not half as hard to pass up gluten ladden dishes when there is lots of tasty stuff I can eat. Thank you God for enabling me to not only stay gluten free but gluten free and still happy because that is a big deal!
Monday, 29 September 2014
Hearing and Following God's ridiculous Requests
Has God ever asked you to do something you thought was a bit odd or strange or just not logical? Did you have the courage to do it or did you chicken out? When God asked you did you get angry or excited? I have been going through a long period this last 3 years of God asking me to do some frustrating things. In the past I would get angry or fearful or say bitterly "another character developing opportunity" when God asked me to go through difficult situations. Because of my attitude these situations where extra unpleasant and though I did develop character I also developed doubt and bitterness. In the last three years I have embraced a new attitude. One of faith in God, knowing He loves me. I was eagerly waiting to see what cool things Jesus did in the midst of the Chaos to sustain me and make good come out of bad.
This three year period started out with a very unfortunate incident. I was walking across the road and I was struck by a truck. Do not under an circumstances try to take on a truck on foot - it does not go well! I was J walking and he failed to stop or look before he turned out in front of me. I broke my leg at the femur - like right in half so it was dangling at a strange angle when I tried to lift it up. I also re injured a concussion that I had gotten a year previously from being tossed off a horse head first when it fell in a hole at a gallop. Now this accident was not God's fault but human error, but for the last three years God has been making good come out of it.
I have learnt so many things! For instance, how to hear God even in demanding situations. Just like the sermon last week about how to learn good discernment: God has been teaching me to listen carefully, be alert, surrender and trust God for victory. Because of the leg and the concussion I have had to be very still for very long periods of time. It is amazing how much easier it is to hear God when you are still and quiet. I am a very goal oriented person and I like to get stuff done - I do not like to rest. However God has taught me to rest and actually enjoy it and benefit from it.
With my concussion I have progressed to only needing quiet rest about 4 times a day for about an hour a time. Right after the accident I pretty much rested 24 / 7 . If I do not rest I get headaches of epic proportions that make any kind of any activity debilitating. Reading quietly or watching TV or even talking on the phone with my eyes closed do not count as rest. I must ,make like a mushroom, and spend lots of time in a dark quiet bed doing nothing. At the start this was very frustrating and boring, but I got better at it and if resting were an Olympic sport I would now so get gold! I discovered that the quiet worked really well for listening to God and if I surrendered to Him he would give me peace and joy. Because I did not have my brain cluttered with all my busy plans I found I could be alert to hear God's voice and hear Him better than ever before. He has been very clear that He wants to me to keep resting as much as I need to and give my list of things I need to get done to Him. I have learnt to trust Him for victory over my anxious heart and He has calmed me down so much. It is very hard to get anything done when you need to rest as often and as long as me. However, I have seen God do supernatural things to my heart and to my schedule and He has come through.
Now when I have to go rest I feel safe and peaceful instead of frustrated and driven. You might say my life is a bit ridiculous when it is interrupted with sleep so often through out the day. God does ask me to rest and that does appear to be a counter intuitive request if you goal is getting stuff done. But I have discovered that for me obeying God means resting and He gives me such a joy and relief in that. He has shown me that all that down time has been a wonderful opportunity to pray and to meditate on his word. These two acts have totally changed my life in so many good ways. God's word is so awesome and following it is the path to true contentment and satisfaction. I do some times still feel frustrated and wish I had more time to get things done but when I run to God he shows me to be patient and do what He asks. This works so much better than trying to do what the world says you must do to be considered successful.
Just like the Isrealites laid rocks from the middle of the river to remember what God had done for them, I want to keep blogging what God has done for me. I want to remember so my faith can be strengthened. We sing a song at church called the rock won't move and it really describes well my journay through the last three years - here are the words:
This three year period started out with a very unfortunate incident. I was walking across the road and I was struck by a truck. Do not under an circumstances try to take on a truck on foot - it does not go well! I was J walking and he failed to stop or look before he turned out in front of me. I broke my leg at the femur - like right in half so it was dangling at a strange angle when I tried to lift it up. I also re injured a concussion that I had gotten a year previously from being tossed off a horse head first when it fell in a hole at a gallop. Now this accident was not God's fault but human error, but for the last three years God has been making good come out of it.
I have learnt so many things! For instance, how to hear God even in demanding situations. Just like the sermon last week about how to learn good discernment: God has been teaching me to listen carefully, be alert, surrender and trust God for victory. Because of the leg and the concussion I have had to be very still for very long periods of time. It is amazing how much easier it is to hear God when you are still and quiet. I am a very goal oriented person and I like to get stuff done - I do not like to rest. However God has taught me to rest and actually enjoy it and benefit from it.
With my concussion I have progressed to only needing quiet rest about 4 times a day for about an hour a time. Right after the accident I pretty much rested 24 / 7 . If I do not rest I get headaches of epic proportions that make any kind of any activity debilitating. Reading quietly or watching TV or even talking on the phone with my eyes closed do not count as rest. I must ,make like a mushroom, and spend lots of time in a dark quiet bed doing nothing. At the start this was very frustrating and boring, but I got better at it and if resting were an Olympic sport I would now so get gold! I discovered that the quiet worked really well for listening to God and if I surrendered to Him he would give me peace and joy. Because I did not have my brain cluttered with all my busy plans I found I could be alert to hear God's voice and hear Him better than ever before. He has been very clear that He wants to me to keep resting as much as I need to and give my list of things I need to get done to Him. I have learnt to trust Him for victory over my anxious heart and He has calmed me down so much. It is very hard to get anything done when you need to rest as often and as long as me. However, I have seen God do supernatural things to my heart and to my schedule and He has come through.
Now when I have to go rest I feel safe and peaceful instead of frustrated and driven. You might say my life is a bit ridiculous when it is interrupted with sleep so often through out the day. God does ask me to rest and that does appear to be a counter intuitive request if you goal is getting stuff done. But I have discovered that for me obeying God means resting and He gives me such a joy and relief in that. He has shown me that all that down time has been a wonderful opportunity to pray and to meditate on his word. These two acts have totally changed my life in so many good ways. God's word is so awesome and following it is the path to true contentment and satisfaction. I do some times still feel frustrated and wish I had more time to get things done but when I run to God he shows me to be patient and do what He asks. This works so much better than trying to do what the world says you must do to be considered successful.
Just like the Isrealites laid rocks from the middle of the river to remember what God had done for them, I want to keep blogging what God has done for me. I want to remember so my faith can be strengthened. We sing a song at church called the rock won't move and it really describes well my journay through the last three years - here are the words:
The Rock Won't Move
Verse 1
When the ground beneath my feet gives way
And I hear the sound of crashing waves
And all my world is washing out to sea
I'm hidden safe in the God who never moves
Holding fast to the promise of the truth
That You are holding tighter still to me
Chorus 1
The rock won't move and His word is strong
The rock won't move and His love can't be undone
The rock won't move and His word is strong
The rock won't move and His love can't be undone
The rock of our salvation
Verse 2
My hope is in the promise of Your blood
My support within the raging flood
Even in the tempest I can sing
I'm hidden safe in the God who never moves
Holding fast to the promise of the truth
That You are holding tighter still to me
Misc 1
(Interlude)
Woah woah woah the rock of our salvation
Misc 2
(Bridge)
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
The rock won't move the rock won't move
When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest in His unchanging grace
The rock won't move the rock won't move
CCLI Song # 7005719
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