Peace, something we all long for and something that sometimes feels like an elusive emotion. On September 14 my pastor implied that there is a way to access internal peace and rest regardless of the circumstances. That sounds a might bit unrealistic given my circumstances lately. I have been trying recently to give my problems to God and to trust Him with them but it is not so easy.
For instance take the problem of wasps entering my home. Since late summer I have had wasps coming into my house at a rate of about 5 a day. I first see them in my dining room hanging out at the ceiling or in the big window. I do not like wasps or any kind of stinging insect. They are not aggressive which is good but still creepy.
I like to be control of my environment some might even say I am obsessive about certain things. Well my brain got a hold of this wasp crisis and it was off and running trying to figure out how to fix it and what might the worse case scenario look like. I imagined hundreds of wasps descending into my house and biting me and my children repeatedly and us all dying. I also imagined never being able to find where they were coming in and thus never being able to stop them. For some reason these thoughts would whip me into an internal frenzy of fear. That fear then urged me to do whatever it took to fix this problem and not rest until it was over. I had prayed and asked God to help me but I was not trusting Him enough to let go of the anxiety and fear. I basically wanted Him to fix the problem the way I had figured out to fix it. I wanted him to show me where the little buggers were getting in and then extract the entire nest so that the wasps would be gone.
So i proceeded with my plan of attack still scared and overwhelmed and not feeling very restful or peaceful. I watched the dining room like a hawk for days at a time trying to catch a wasp entering. There was some knot holes in the ceiling and some gaps around the trim. I could never see the blasted things making their entrance so I put duck tape over all the knot holes to see if that helped. I still had wasps showing up. I would get the ladder from the shop and frantically kill each one that appeared with great fear of getting stung.
I was sharing my dilemma with my sister in law and hubby one day at lunch. I needed to explain to my sister in law why I was spending time out of our visit hauling out the ladder and never looking at her when she talked but instead focusing on the trim in the ceiling. She was very support of of my plans to kill all wasps but my husband felt I was being rude to her. He pointed out that they had not bit me yet and were just coming in because of the cold weather which makes them sleepy. They were on deaths door anyway. He suggested I kill them when I see them and not be so panicked. I freaked at him and said my fears were justified and I would not rest until I found where these wasps are coming in. I see now that He was trying to help but because I was over reacting, his comments just made me more anxious.
So I had it out with God. I told Him that He had promised to answer my prayers and where was He and why was I so upset. Maybe the promise of peace was only to folks who do not have OCD and insects storming their home. When I rant with God I try to also journal and write down what He says back. Prayer is a two way conversation. This is very helpful because after all God is the creator of the universe and is all knowing, which come in handy when problem solving. So When I listened this time, God said that He promised to answer when we ask without doubt. Doubt can block us from answers. (James 1:6-8) So my fear and anxiety was blocking an answer. Also He gently pointed out that when I ask for help I should not put Him in a box and demand He answer me in only my certain predetermined way. That was nervy of me and I should repent. Well I must say I responded much better to God than I did to my husband. I wonder why that is?
I repented and then asked for help with the wasps and I trusted God to fix it somehow. Trust is so freeing. It's like a buy one get one free. You buy into trust and you get peace and rest just as an added bonus. I guess in the future, I need to be watching out for anxiety and fear because if I have them I know automatically I am not really trusting God and that I have doubt. This relates back to that sermon where Jason pointed out that if we are not in step with God we will not have that internal peace and rest. We need to look for God and what He is doing - instead of telling Him how to do his job! We need to ask God what to do and step out and actually do it, letting go of the fear and worry. So I gave the wasps to God and my obsession about finding their home and eradicating them. When I listened to God He said that I needed to calm down and just kill any wasps that came in and not worry about them. So that is what I did. God gave me the strength to stop obsessing and be OK that the odd wasp would enter my house a few times a day. God helped me get over my fear of wasps and just not mind sharing my space with them so much. I decided to let go of my need to find where they were entering and it is such a better way to live.
Even though I did not see the answer right away, and wasps where still paying me frequent visits, I still had peace and rest - what a precious gift. Eventually they stopped coming in as often and now they only come occasionally every few days. I just calmly smack them with the fly swatter - I am really getting good with that thing! - and proceed on with my day. I am so glad I did not rip out the ceiling to try to find their nest or hire an expensive bug killer guy. Jason was right you can have internal peace and rest regardless of the circumstances even if you are a women with some emotional hang ups.